‘Haa…I’ve been sighing too much lately.’
Damien closed his eyes and relished in the warmth he was currently feeling. With his body sprawled out on the soft bed with Rose pressed closely against him, this kind of nostalgic feeling really calmed his mind.
Although he came here to have a serious conversation with her, he didn’t end up doing so immediately. His mind was too clouded with other thoughts for him to properly convey what he wanted to convey.
It was his fate as someone heavily invested in the coming war. Even though it didn’t seem like it, every day since he left the 3000 Beast Mountain Range was part of the gradual countdown to war.
He realized it after everything he went through in the Primordial Undying Realm. The rest and relaxation he could experience now might be the last for a very long time.
So, he closed his eyes. He desperately wanted to drift off to sleep and clear his fatigue, but he wouldn’t allow himself to do so. At least, not until he finished what he came here to do.
With his eyes still closed, he sunk his consciousness into his spiritual world. As he did so, he replayed the memories he built with Rose over the short few years they had known each other.
‘She took a sidekick role for me because of my inability. By all rights, Rose is a genius who should be the main character of her own story, not someone who just sits idly by and supports me.’
It was her unwavering attitude that made him unsure about how to proceed. Because even if she was mad at him, she would still unconditionally support him.
It was a great trait to have, and Damien truly appreciated that side of her, but it also made it harder for him to come out and problem-solve with her.
‘Fuck that. Am I going to give in to my fear and return to being who I was before? There’s no way in hell I’ll be so pathetic ever again.’
Damien steeled his heart. He still didn’t know what he was going to say, but he would start talking anyway. If he couldn’t even manage to start the conversation, why would it matter if he didn’t know what to say?
“Rose…” His voice was quiet. Perhaps it was because of his fatigue or perhaps it was his indecision leaking through, he sounded especially powerless at the moment.
But Rose didn’t point it out. She stayed silent and waited for him to continue speaking.
And so he did.
“Back when you met me, I was at arguably the worst point in my life, at least mentally. Somehow, you managed to befriend that mentally unstable me and bring a dose of humanity into my life. I’ve always been thankful for that. Because back then, I didn’t need anything like love or affection. No, even if I received those, I probably would’ve shunned them immediately.
“What I needed was humanity. Your normal lively and playful self that ignored my personal boundaries and forced your way into my life—ow, don’t pinch me while I’m being sentimental…anyway, the you from back then was the perfect flavor I needed to become a “human” again.
“The problem was that along with my humanity, the scars in my heart returned as well. Those were scars that I didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with. Even that day when I told you my worries upfront, I still wasn’t ready to deal with them.
“In fact, if you had decided to give me advice back then, I probably would’ve ignored it. Luckily for me, you were quite understanding. You even told me your own story to comfort me.
“When I think back to how I left you and Elena when we first stepped on the Central Continent, it makes me want to die. We were both heading toward the same area, so why did I need to leave you so early? What would’ve happened if you were injured or worse after we separated in this unknown land? Those kinds of thoughts didn’t flash through my head at all.
“I was just selfishly thinking about running away and being alone again so I could be comfortable. It was the worst thing I could’ve possibly done to you, who showed unconditional love and support to a bastard like me.”
Damien paused to organize his thoughts. His words were flowing like a river, he didn’t even know what he was saying. He just talked for the sake of talking.
“Saying I’m not good with relationships is an understatement. This kind of sincerely apologizing and laying my feelings bare isn’t something I can do properly, so I hope you can forgive me if I sound stupid and talk pointlessly right now.
“To be honest, I’ve been feeling guilty ever since I entered the Celestial Star Palace and had a chance to think about what I’d done. Perhaps this apology is also a selfish attempt at assuaging that guilt. Regardless of the reason, it’s true that I’ve been waiting for the day of our reunion for years.
“But, just like you’d expect from me, I even fucked that up.”
Damien sighed. He began to tell Rose about what he experienced in the Primordial Undying Realm. Specifically, the Trial of Self.
“Ever since I realized why I had been neglecting Elena like I was, the guilt I felt toward her took over my emotions. It was like a wave of guilt that was previously hidden in my subconscious came flooding out. But, that isn’t an excuse.
“I don’t really know how things turned out the way they did. From the start, I was practicing abstinence for your sake. It was something I stuck to with conviction. As for how my conviction crumbled so easily? Even I don’t know.”
Damien shook his head. The more he continued talking, the more he found himself trying to make excuses to justify his actions. It was an ugly habit that he didn’t want to appear during this conversation.
So he stopped talking superfluously. There was really only one thing he was trying to say.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for breaking your trust in me, I’m sorry for making you feel abandoned, I’m sorry for making you feel like I don’t trust you… there are probably a million other things I need to apologize for, but I don’t have the mental capacity to list them all out. So, all I can really say is that I’m sorry…”
Damien couldn’t help but cringe. It was really a shitty apology. But he did what he could. Even if the words themselves were dogshit, he poured his emotions into them in hopes that they would be properly conveyed.
Damien sat in silence. Rose did the same, not moving from her position once during his monologue. And Damien didn’t dare spread his awareness to see what kind of expression she was making right now.
He was terrified of seeing indifference on her face.
But as if to mock his fear, a hot and wet feeling dripped onto his torso. Unfortunately, it took him a while to understand what that feeling was.
Tears.
He didn’t know whether they were happy tears or sad tears, but it was a fact that Rose was crying. Damien looked down at her hesitantly. And slowly, she lifted her head to meet his gaze.
The silence in the room felt especially glaring when their gazes met. The only solace they could find was in the heat of their bodies pressed against each other.
And as Damien waited anxiously, Rose opened her mouth and spoke for the first time.