There was a time in Kyle’s life when all he wanted was love, he wanted to be normal but life had other plans for him.
It started right from his birth, Kyle always felt like there was something wrong with him, a feeling he couldn’t shake because no matter how hard he tried, he felt like a broken vessel.
The first moment he took his breath, his mother didn’t feel happiness or relief, she felt disgust.
She couldn’t believe that he looked a lot more like his father despite spending 9 months in her womb.
It was unfair and this was how Kyle had unknowingly inherited his mother’s rage.
Kyle was never an expressive child, all he ever wanted was to gain his mother’s approval.
He wondered if being harmed by her was her way of loving him, which in turn gave him a distorted perception of love.
But were his memories accurate? Kyle wasn’t sure because most of the things he recalled, he didn’t remember them happening.
It felt wrong, it felt false, and he didn’t have his Total Recall either to help him navigate through this.
It has been proven that people’s memories are the least reliable source of information because they can only process that information through a single lens.
“Mama, look what I made!” A five-year-old boy, dawned in dirty clothing said to his mother, looking up at her with hopeful expectations.
The mother had a bottle of liquor right in front of her and didn’t pay him much attention, Kyle got up to his feet and walked towards her.
He had a bright smile on his face because he made it for her and only when he was a few feet from her did she acknowledge his presence.
“Oh… You are still here,” The mother said in a dismissive tone but she looked at the piece of paper he held up.
“What is that?” His mother questioned.
“That is me, you, and papa!” Kyle was filled with excitement but the look on his mother’s face contorted into something he couldn’t recognize.
“What did you just say?” His mother was infuriated but Kyle noticed this right away however he didn’t back up.
“It is me, you and pa-!” Before Kyle could finish his sentence, a shattering bottle echoed.
His mother had thrown it across the room in a fit of rage but the truth was, she narrowly missed her target. And that target was Kyle.
This was due to the alcohol in her system but Kyle had a wide smile on his face after his mother reacted this way.
“She liked it!” Kyle thought to himself, violence was his form of love and the more violent the reaction, the more he thought she liked it.
Kyle always kept to himself so he didn’t have much experience of the outside world but this also included friends.
He didn’t have an idea of how dysfunctional his family was because, despite his mother’s rage, she still looked after him or rather, forced him to learn to look after himself.
A survival skill that he was grateful for.
But it was impossible for a child that age not to have a single relationship outside of his home and this was how Kyle began to interact with a much older man.
This man was well in his thirties but he was a bum, he was the definition of bad life choices.
However, this man was the man who taught Kyle how to survive and during that time, Kyle was exposed to some violent things that no one should see, more so his age.
But it was fine because this was “love” and this further shaped his mind.
However, it all changed one day…
Wait? What changed?
–
Kyle was brought back to reality after his brain became scrambled, he couldn’t recall what happened next which was strange.
It was like there was a lapse in his memory and Susanna instantly knew whatever happened next must have been traumatic enough for him to suppress it.
This was good progress and Kyle appreciated the look in her eyes, it wasn’t one of pity.
Kyle hated being pitied because this was a story he told not to get sympathy but to be understood.
“I have taken something away from your story. You hold no remorse for your mother and you barely mentioned your father in it,” Susanna pointed out, writing something in her note.
“And this man that raised yo-!” Susanna was interrupted by Kyle.
“He didn’t raise me. He was just some homeless junkie on the road that would do anything to get his fix,” Kyle corrected her.
“My mother raised me…” Kyle added.
Susanna noted this and realized that Kyle must have developed some form of Stockholm syndrome, which he had no control over.
“I see. Tell me more about him,” Susanna knew she had to know just how much influence he had over him.
And how deep he managed to dig his claws into Kyle. At the beginning of the story, Susanna thought that his mother was the one who brought him here but saw something that Kyle, ironically, failed to see.
Kyle had only spoken highly about his mother showing his complicated feelings towards her but Susanna was aware that she couldn’t trust the foundation he was laying. Kyle couldn’t as well, that was why he was here for to help him connect the missing threads.
Whatever he did with this man was the reason why his memories were “false”
“I saw him at a bar before you say anything. No, I didn’t go there to drink but to get something for my mother…” Kyle paused with a smile on his face.
“Do you know she used to call alcohol medicine? Kyle, help mommy to get her medicine,” Kyle said but the fact that the bar sold drinks to a child showed just how lacking laws were wherever he lived.
“Did your mother ever meet your friend?” Susanno asked, bringing his mother into the conversation because Kyle seemed fixated on her.
Susanna knew the most effective way to get to the bottom of it would be to make him lower his guard.
“I don’t think they did… No, I can’t remember,” Kyle looked lost, trying his hardest to answer this question.
“You presented this man as an insignificant part of your story but you only began to repress your memories after you met him,” Susanna pointed out.
Kyle could see where she was coming from because it was true that he did that.
“You’re right,” Kyle admitted, not knowing what else to say because he needed help.
To get help, he needed to be honest.
“Did he make you do anything you didn’t want to do?” Susanna asked but once again, Kyle had no answer for this.
“No… Or at least I don’t think so,” Kyle responded.
“Kyle, what kind of things did the man make you witness,” Susanna asked and this was where Kyle’s face had a tinge of worry.
“Whatever I say here is confidential, right?” Kyle made sure this was the case and Susanna nodded gently.
“I know he robbed and beat up people but as I grew up, I realized he did a lot worse,” Kyle confessed but this was proof that he was oblivious to most things going on around him at the time making him innocent by default.
Susanna knew what he meant without him having to elaborate but she was curious why Kyle used past tense to describe his mom.
That could only mean one thing, she had died but did this man have anything to do with it?
Is that why Kyle can’t recall his influence in his life?
Susanna knew this was an assumption on her end but it would make sense.
From what she had heard, Kyle’s mother was neglectful but if Kyle survived until that age, she must have been taking care of him to make sure he didn’t die when it would have been a lot easier to abandon him.
“Kyle, what happened to your mother? Can you tell me?” Susanna asked and Kyle caught on to what she was implying due to the series of questions.
“She killed herself,” Kyle responded but there was no feeling in his voice.
That was to be expected as he had years to get over it so the reaction to his mother’s suicide wouldn’t be a big deal.
“I see and did the autopsy confirm that?” Susanna asked, looking at Kyle but once again, there was no judgement.
“Autopsy? We were poor, who cares if we die,” Kyle said with a mocking chuckle at the end of the sentence.
However, this confirmed that Kyle had no way of knowing if this was a suicide and the reason his mind had such huge gaps was because the truth might be directly linked to him.
“Love is violence,” This was something he had said on multiple occasions so how would he show his mother he loved her?