When Lu Qingyang kicked open the Crystal Palace door, he tripped on the threshold and fell flat on his face, the night-luminescent pearls he had secretly hidden in his arms rolling to the Mermaid's feet.
He lay on the ground, blowing the hair from his forehead: "Little lady, how about this pearl in exchange for two scales from your leg to use as a belt?"
Before he finished speaking, twelve ice cones grazed his crotch and embedded themselves in the door frame, instantly turning his Shu brocade pants into crotchless trousers.
"Does a stinky beggar also deserve to enter the Crystal Palace?"
The Mermaid flicked her tail, stirring up a foul wind, but Lu Qingyang used his bronze mirror to reveal a cavity in her ear fin: "Still getting cavities at three hundred years old?"
Where the mirror light swept, the night-luminescent pearls sealed in the crystal walls suddenly popped out, clattering down and sending the black-robed guards of the Netherworld Hall scrambling for cover.
A Luo was squatting in a coral patch, counting the Water-Avoiding Pearls she had stolen, when she suddenly shrieked: "Look out above!"
The Red Serpent Gate's broken ship crashed through the dome, and the bandit leader jumped down, brandishing a chipped broadsword: "Lu! Last time you tricked me into wiping my butt with a fire-avoiding talisman..."
Before he could finish, a Stinky Tofu Talisman thrown by Lu Qingyang splattered on his face, the stench making him stumble into the Mermaid's arms.
"You've got the wrong person!" Lu Qingyang stepped onto his Qingming Sword and shot up to the rafters, using the sword tip to dislodge seven Eastern Pearls and stuff them into his crotch: "This trip's fare is on your tab!"
The Netherworld Palace Lord's Soul Locking Chains pierced through the water, but Lu Qingyang used a bronze mirror to reflect them, revealing years of grease on the chains: "Is your Hall so poor that you temper your weapons with swill?"
The entire palace suddenly tilted forty-five degrees, and hot spring water erupted from the cracks in the floor tiles, forming a curtain of water.
The silver bells on A Luo's neck jingled wildly, causing the water to condense into three hundred ice swords suspended in mid-air.
Lu Qingyang pulled the Red Serpent Gate bandit over as a shield: "Ladies and gentlemen, chest-breaking-boulders for ten Spirit Stones a go!"
"Give me back my sister's life!" The Mermaid's ear fins bristled into spikes, and the silver bell chain she flung wrapped around Lu Qingyang's ankle.
He took the opportunity to roll into the hot spring pool, pulled out a candied hawthorn skewer from his embrace, and plunged it into the bottom of the pool: "Have some candied turtle!"
The sweet and sour juice boiled upon contact with the water, exploding to reveal a bronze toilet engraved with "For Son-in-Law Only."
The true form of the Netherworld Palace Lord descended, stepping on a Myriad Soul Banner; the vengeful spirits on the banner had barely howled once before being sucked into the toilet.
Lu Qingyang squatted on the toilet lid, cracking sunflower seeds: "Everyone, queue up for the restroom, three minutes per person..."
Before he could finish, A Luo yanked him by the collar, pulling him away; the emerald floor tiles where he had been were already corroded into a large pit by venom.
The Red Serpent Gate bandits seized the opportunity to pry off the night-luminescent pearls from the wall, but they triggered a mechanism that released three hundred Food-Eating Ants.
Lu Qingyang threw out seventy-two copper coins, arranging them into a treasure-gathering formation; the ants immediately lined up to carry gold dust into his pants pocket.
The bandit leader raised his sword to strike, but Lu Qingyang used the bronze mirror to reveal a hole in his underwear: "Red briefs? Is it your birth year?"
"Everyone, die!" The Netherworld Palace Lord unleashed his Lifebound Treasure, the Soul-Shattering Bell; its chime shook the crystal walls, cracking them into a spiderweb pattern.
Lu Qingyang kicked over the bronze toilet, pulled out some moldy stinky tofu, and stuffed it into the bell's mouth: "A three-hundred-year-old filial offering for you!"
The stench collided with the bell's chime, exploding into a wave of Qi that sent the Red Serpent Gate members flying into the hot spring, where they were cooked into shrimp balls.
A Luo suddenly bit her fingertip and flicked it against her silver bells; the crisp sound caused the Food-Eating Ants to turn and swarm the Netherworld Palace Lord.
Lu Qingyang seized the chance to dart to the top of the altar, thrusting his Qingming Sword into the eye socket of a Dragon-shaped relief: "Open Sesame!"
Amidst the sound of the mechanism turning, a secret compartment popped open, revealing a jade box filled with Mermaid silk bellybands.
"This fabric is enough to run a pawn shop for three years!" He had just grabbed a bellyband when the entire altar suddenly sank.
The Mermaid flicked her tail, shattering eight coiled Dragon pillars, and seawater poured in, forming a whirlpool.
Lu Qingyang stuffed A Luo into the jade box as a float, and, stepping on his Qingming Sword, he surfed the waves, giving the Netherworld Palace Lord the middle finger: "My ancestors were the White Streaks of the Waves!"
Nine bronze cauldrons suddenly rose from the seabed; the syrup within them solidified into chains upon contact with water, binding the Myriad Soul Banner.
Lu Qingyang pulled out a Gu worm jar he had pilfered from Miao territory, pouring out three hundred love Gu onto the pursuers: "Buy one, get one free, wedding night package!"
The Gu worms burrowed into the armor's crevices, and the black-robed guards suddenly began dancing a courtship dance with the Red Serpent Gate bandits.
"You little bastard!" The Netherworld Palace Lord roared, tearing open his robes; the ghost-face tattoo on his chest spewed poisonous fire.
Lu Qingyang flung out a handful of fire-avoiding talismans, but the talismans transformed into hens that chased and pecked at the ghost face: "Turkey talismans, a last-minute career change, surprised?"
He took advantage of the chaos, dragging the jade box and crashing through the east wall; outside the wall was a boiling underwater volcano.
A Luo suddenly pointed at the bronze coffin in the magma and shrieked: "That's my mother's dressing box!"
Lu Qingyang's eyes lit up; the moment his Qingming Sword pried open the coffin lid, eighteen Sea-Stabilizing Pearls came raining down.
He pulled the Netherworld Palace Lord's Puppet substitute over as a shield, not forgetting to grab two pearls and stuff them into his shoe soles: "Dead people's money is the luckiest!"
When the Mermaid pursued him, she found him grilling squid by the magma, the Red Serpent Gate's second-in-command's belt skewered on a trident.
Lu Qingyang sprinkled some chili powder: "Underwater BBQ, put it on your sister's tab!"
The thick smoke awakened a sleeping fire lizard, and the pursuers were chased into a tap dance.
He took the opportunity to pry open the bronze coffin, which was filled with pawn ticket stubs—all signed "Lu Qingyang."
"I was quite the spender in my youth!" He grabbed a handful of pawn tickets and scattered them like talismans; the tickets suddenly ignited with Sanwei True Fire.
The silver bells on A Luo's neck jingled, and the flames condensed into a three-hundred-year-old IOU: "'Hereby pawned one pair of underpants in exchange for two roasted chickens.'"
The Netherworld Palace Lord pursued him to the edge of the magma, but his black robe was ignited by sparks: "How dare you, insolent boy!"
"Let me give you a quick end!" Lu Qingyang flung a bronze talisman onto the bottom of the coffin, and the entire coffin exploded into fireworks.
While everyone was extinguishing the sparks, he scooped up the gushing magma, condensed it into fake Spirit Stones, and threw them in all directions: "Underwater mineral vein eruption! Everyone gets a share!"
As the pursuers scrambled for the fake Spirit Stones, Lu Qingyang had already dragged A Luo into a crack in the volcano.
The bronze talisman in his arms suddenly grew hot, illuminating a crooked arrow on the rock wall: "Lu the Great Benefactor's Treasury."
He kicked open the obstructing stone tablet; the inscription "Son-in-Law and Dog Hole" had been changed by his Qingming Sword to "Lu Qingyang's Exclusive Path to Riches."
Three days later, a stall selling Water-Avoiding Talismans appeared in a fishing village in the South Sea.
Lu Qingyang sat with his legs crossed, gnawing on a roasted fish, a newly tied Mermaid silk bellyband fluttering at his waist.
A Luo squatted beside him, stringing night-luminescent pearls, when she suddenly pointed at the sea and shrieked: "Look! The coffin is surfing!"
High above the nine heavens, the Netherworld Palace Lord was pursuing them, stepping on the bronze coffin.
The coffin lid was suddenly glued shut by syrup, and three hundred drunken Food-Eating Ants jumped out, gnawing his black robe into a fishnet outfit.
Lu Qingyang pulled out his bronze mirror and shouted: "Nine ninety-nine with free shipping!"
The mirror light reflected eight characters he had doodled on the bottom of the coffin—"May you have noble children soon, written by your creditor."