The ride home was awkward. We didn't talk about the emotional scene in the therapists office, nor did we talk about the therapist himself. Once we got home, we went our separate ways: he went to the office and I went to shower.
The boys were back from practice and had already showered so once I was done, we headed downstairs for dinner. The boys were their normal rowdy selves, and Mrs. Atkins scolded them like usual; only Mr. Atkins was really silent, like something was on his mind. My therapy session probably depressed him and put him in this awful mood.
After dinner, was homework. Noah and I worked on ours together in our room. It was nice having him in a majority of my classes so we could compare notes and answers. I may have the advantage when it comes to math, but Noah was surprisingly great at literature and history. Maybe because they were all opinion-based questions and Noah always had an opinion on everything, all the time.
As he started to work on his math and I finished mine, I stood up and headed for the door.
"Bathroom break?" He kept moving his pencil.
"Thirsty." I mumbled.
Noah stopped. He turned to me, smiling growing on his face. "So you're going to the kitchen?" I nodded. "I'll go with you!" He jumped up and got close to me, in order to whisper, "I think mom baked some cookies today. So you get the milk and I'll check her favorite hiding spots."
I brightened up. Just what we need before bed. I followed Noah quietly down the hall and down the stairs. He was a pro at stealth, probably from doing this a couple times. Even though he was as skinny as me, he was definitely a fat kid at heart. As we passed by the master room, we could hear yelling between the twins and got even more quiet. The stairs were the trickiest since Noah would skip a stair that may creak. I followed every step diligently.
As we approached the kitchen, we started to hear his parents. They were speaking in low voices at the kitchen counter. Noah put a finger to his lips and we hid just around the corner.
"You weren't there, Mary. It was just so raw. I felt like I was seeing the younger version of myself on that couch." Mr. Atkins rough voice was barely above a whisper.
Noah and I looked at one another, staying where we were.
"It's okay, honey. We can do this for Jake. Wouldn't have you wanted someone there for you at that age?"
"Mary, I was a mess. A total wreck. Even if someone tried to be there for me, I wouldn't let them in. I had to hit rock bottom before I sought out any help. That's when I met Gary. He's told you some stories but not nearly enough. I'm scared that we'll let Jake down."
Noah looked at me. I looked down at my feet, finally realizing that they were talking about me. Apparently Mr. Atkins experienced something similar.
"You won't. Wayne, you've been a perfect friend, husband, and father, so don't you dare revert due to a simple insecurity. Don't you remember when I got pregnant with Zeke? You were scared you weren't going to be a great father. Scared that you might fail. Everyone goes through that. It's the same thing with Jake. I'm scared too. And Jake has to be the most scared out of all of us."
Mr. Atkins let out a short laugh. "You act so fearless. You were ready to take him in at the first email. I don't know how your heart can be so open all the time."
"You're right to call it an act. I'm scared too. Jake has mom issues, but I'm a mom and I can't stop being one. You saw how happy I was to hear him speak. He's reaching out. So we can do the same." We heard her sigh. "You can always call Gary again. Get advice from him. He helped you and now you can pass it on and help Jake."
"I should give him a call. We haven't spoken since Christmas so it's been a couple of months. Do you think I'm weak for needing advice even though I was in a similar situation as Jake?"
"Of course not, darling. You're just on the helping end now. It's a different point of view. I do think that you should keep going to the sessions with Jake though."
"You're not going to go next week?"
"Jake feels more comfortable around you. Let's not change anything for now. This therapist is still new to him. I wouldn't want him to feel trap with me and some guy he hardly knows."
Mrs. Atkins was smart. I wouldn't trap myself like that. I would refuse and run away. I nudged Noah and pointed back at the stairs. He got what I was trying to say and we snuck back upstairs. I wasn't thirsty enough to interrupt their talk, especially with Mr. Atkins feeling so conflicted.
I felt lighter knowing that he wasn't upset with me for making him cry. He was just scared that he couldn't help me. And that's okay with me.