Have you ever been unhappy in your life? If you ask me, the only answer I can give is “I don’t know”.
Just when did it start? I’ve come to feel more comfortable with joy and sorrow befalling me at the same time than just being happy…… I don’t think about what would have happened if I’d done this or that instead, and I’ve come to dismiss those events of the past as something inevitable……
I am not particularly wealthy, nor am I poor. I was born into a very ordinary family and had a not-so-unusual childhood. I remembered playing outside a lot when I was in elementary school, and even if I can’t say that I had lots of friends, I still have some people I can call as one.
If I want to summarize my life, one sheet of an A4 paper would be enough. That’s about as mundane, flat, and unchanging my life is…… The only big thing that happened to me was that “my parents suddenly died” when I was 12 years old, I think?
It’s not like in those TV dramas where their parents are suffering from an incurable disease nor were they involved in a major incident. There are hundreds of thousands of traffic accidents a year in Japan alone, and they just happened to be caught up in one of them……
We were on the way back from a family trip when a pile-up occurred in the expressway we’re passing through. Our small family car was sandwiched between a big car and a truck and it was crushed in between them. My parents were gone in an instant, while I miraculously survived with only a minor injury, a laceration from my ear to my neck.
In that unfortunate accident, having miraculously survived—- I guess that means I was lucky. I was lucky and survived, while my parents were unlucky and died.
That’s how people live and die in the end. Some people die young no matter how they take care of their health, while some people live long enough even when they’re smoking piles of cigarettes or drink like a fish.
I never thought of my parent’s deaths as being unreasonable, nor did I think that I was a tragic character. In fact, the relatives who took me in were good to me and I had no complaints about my daily life.
However, I started to think about it often. I thought that good and bad luck is like two sides of the same coin…… You wouldn’t always be lucky in your life. There’s also no such thing as a life only filled with misfortune. If you’re fortunate enough to have it, an appropriate amount of misfortune would also come down on you……
There’s no coin that keeps showing one side. If I’m lucky enough to survive, will I someday draw the other side of that miraculous coin? Or perhaps, was the death of my parents actually the other side of that coin?
What happened when I started to think that way? I think I escaped in the beginning.
I’m sure that riajuus must be happy people who can create a wide range of relationships with friends, lovers, and family. If that were the case though, they will have to be prepared for the same amount of unhappiness to befall in their lives.
A life with just happiness is scary. It’s hard to feel safe when there is no set of good and bad events.
Therefore, I ran away. I turned my attention to games and books, and basked in my temporary sense of fulfillment.
In college, I learned to fit in with my surroundings. I learned the art of being bland, naturally distant, and being alone. I don’t need a dramatic life. I was comfortable with the days being flat and unchanging, content with being a supporting actor.
So, when I came to the other world, I was relieved that I wasn’t the Hero nor did I have some kind of special powers. I thought I could be ordinary here too, and everything would be alright……
……Yes, all these times…… I’ve been trying to make excuses for myself.
“I loved my parents. I really loved my kind mother and my wonderful father.”
……That’s not it.
“I was so happy to go on this trip with my family. I believed that we were going to have more times like this in the future.”
…………I haven’t thought like that.
“I cried out, blaming God, wondering why I was the only one who survived, why he didn’t let me die with my parents, who I loved so much.”
………………That’s not it.
“I’m scared. All I could think about is that if I get to know someone, get along with them, and be happy, I’m afraid that I was going to lose everything again.”
……………………That’s not it either.
“I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted a friend. I wanted to have a lover. I was envious to those who have a family. However, I was too scared to approach others myself, so I kept running away, desperately making excuses for myself to be alone.
…………………………I haven’t thought like that.
“I’m afraid of losing them. I’m afraid of acquiring what I wanted. However, I can’t give up and so, I’ve gotten into the habit of keeping my distance to others. I kept a safe distance away from them, making sure that I say only the appropriate things, so that people don’t hate me, nor would they like me.”
No, you’re mistaken.
“My heart has been stuck in that day’s accident, and I’ve been left as a child, crouching and trembling in place…… No matter who it is, I want to love them. However, I can’t get close to them. So, please reach out your hand, help me pick up the broken pieces of what used to be my heart, for even I don’t know myself anymore.”
No, you’re wrong, that’s not it!
“I had high hopes. When I found out that I was caught up in the summoning of the Hero, I thought I could also be special, and if I’m someone special, someone would reach out a hand and help me…… But in the end, even in another world, I wouldn’t be special. I’m just a loner with no friends and acquaintances, and even though I’m in a different world, I’ve never been able to change myself……”
………………………………
“The truth is… I was scared. A world I didn’t understand, my circumstances, and people I didn’t know…… but that’s why I stayed calm. I had to behave and desperately push down my anxiety. If they thought I was a pathetic adult, Kusunoki-san or Yuzuki-san might give up on me. If they think I’m a pain in the ass, Lilia-san and Lunamaria-san might abandon me.”
…………………………
“I’m also doing my best! I keep lying to myself, even though I’m trying so hard to look good to others! Why, oh why!? Why is it only I who’s ever had bad things happen to me!? I never asked to live in a residence that’s supposed to be forbidden for males! I never said about wanting to go out on the first day I came to a different world!! I never wanted to be summoned by the king’s beloved sister, Lilia-san!!!”
……………………
“I just wanted someone to be beside me…… I just wanted someone to affirm that it’s okay to be indecisive…… I just wanted someone who’d hold out a hand filled with affection towards me……”
………
This was probably a cry that had always been in my heart all along. No one notices it, and even I don’t know it well. These self-centered desires of mine that look like a child’s selfishness.
Before I knew it, I made it myself. A wall in my heart, tall enough for me to hide in. A cage to hide my weakness, a shield to protect my cowardly self……
—–Look, didn’t I tell you before? That if you’re in a predicament, I can help you.
No one should have noticed it. There’s no way that it could be noticed. Yes, that’s what I thought……
—–That’s why it’s okay for you to be empty for now.
However, before I knew it, she appeared.
—–I will teach you! Things you don’t know, sights you’ve never seen, this world itself!
She stepped into the depths of my heart as if it’s natural, as if to say that there has never been a wall in my heart right from the start.
—–where you—- are the protagonist of this story!
And then, as if it were natural, she reached out her hand to the crouching me.
—–Mhmm, if you won’t talk with me like you usually do, I won’t like it.
Being pushed around sometimes like a friend do……
—–I think it’s really cool that a child can naturally do that.
And sometimes, encouraging me like a lover do……
—–It’s alright. I would be here with you……
And sometimes, she was like a mother to me, giving me the words that I wanted to hear.
It’s as if she could say that she knows everything about me, she was boisterous, warm, innocent, and kind…… She would always give me the smile I wanted most.
Embracing my indecisive thoughts, she picked up the broken pieces of my heart and gently pushed it back to my body.
Ah, I see—- so that’s how it is. I may have finally figured it out. The thing I wanted—- The thing that I’ve always been looking for—–
My consciousness slowly awakens from my pleasant slumber. As soon as I opened my eyes, what I saw was a pair of gentle eyes staring at me.
[……Kuro?]
[Good morning, Kaito-kun.]
[Good morning…… How long have I been sleeping?]
[An hour or so?]
[I see.]
Slowly, I sit up. Strangely, I felt light, as if something that had been weighing down on my body disappeared.
[You look kind of refreshed huh.]
[……Ahh, yeah. Well, how should I say this……]
I honestly didn’t have an answer for what I wanted to do nor what I wanted to happen.
I just had the thought in my head that I should stop crouching down in place.
[I think I want to do my best on various stuff again.]
[I see…… Then, I will be rooting for you. Do your best, Kaito-kun!]
[Yeah, thanks.]
I still don’t know a lot about this world and myself…… but the circumstances have finally changed. It’s about time for me to start walking too.
Yes, let’s start with self-discovery or whatever they call it. I’m a little nervous and afraid, but I think it’ll be alright. Because I’ve received the courage to start walking. Just like Kuro said, let’s start again here, in this world.
The thing I once closed myself off. The story of the one named Miyama Kaito……
Dropping this chapter off. No chapter on Saturday, will return on monday.
-LazyCat