The two sides confronted each other in the store. "That~" Ba, who was cooking in the kitchen, suddenly popped her head out, and Diarmait and the group of Hassans hid immediately. "Ah, it's a guest. Wait a moment, I'll finish the dish soon." When he saw Kotomine Kirei, Ba quickly leaned back. On the other side, when Kotomine Kirei saw Ba, he withdrew his original idea of pulling out the black key. "What do you want from me?" Kotomine Kirei lowered his head and asked Yuzan “Just wanted to tell a story.” Resting his chin on his hand, Yuzhongjin answered.
........................ Volume 116 FZ/Kara no Kyoukai (Part 7): Chapter Chapter The Sinner's Prayer & Kotomine Kirei's Departure Ceremony [K] …… The man who came from a church family was a sick man, possessing common sense but without any sense of morality. All kinds of ascetic practices still couldn't fill the emptiness in his heart. To this end, he decided to make one last attempt. The object was a woman who was about to die. He tried to love that woman, and the woman loved him as she loved her child. However, men are destined to feed only on the suffering of others. The more he tried to love the other person, the more he realized that he just wanted to see the woman sigh. The man despaired of this. Since his existence itself was a mistake and could not be solved, he could only eliminate it. So he decided to commit suicide, and before he did, he told the woman, "I don't actually love you." The woman just smiled and replied, "No, you love me." Then she ended her own life before him, trying to prove through her death that a man can love and be loved. However, the woman's death is "meaningless" because it does not bring answers to the man, but it does have weight. The man gave up the teachings of the Lord since he was born, and also gave up the intention of committing suicide, and embarked on his own Shura-like journey of quest. …… Sitting under the dim light, Yuzhongjin looked at the man sitting in front of her and said, "That man is you, Kotomine Kirei." "Do you Shintoists even know about this kind of thing?" Kotomine Kirei had no expression on his face and just asked back. Even his father, Kotomine Risei, had never heard of his previous marriage, which had been kept secret in the church.
“Some things are known just because they are known.” Yuzhong Jin looked at the priest in front of him. He seemed peaceful but full of dangerous aura. "Why are you bringing up the past again now?" Kotomine Kirei didn't seem to care about what Mizoguchi said. "No, I just feel sad that the man who believes in the Lord is actually a man with an evil nature and no hope for salvation." Yu Zhuanjin picked up the spoon, ate a small bite of rice, and asked: "But I am more curious, did you really not feel anything at that time? You don't have to worry too much, I am not interested in spreading this kind of thing, I swear by my real name, we are just chatting." After saying this, Miojin took out the "Certificate of Self-Enforcement" and placed it in front of Kotomine Kirei. This was a contract that was only for oneself and could take effect without the signature of a second person. Hearing what Mizoguchi mentioned, Kotomine Kirei sat at the opposite table and recalled what happened nine years ago. Claudia Aldessia. Image: "Claudia Aldessia", Location: "Images/" That's the woman's name. The wife that Kotomine Kirei is looking for in order to find his true self has an albino constitution and is a leukemia patient with no cure. The only impression he had of the woman now was her last words before she died... "Look, aren't you crying?" The woman committed suicide in front of him, using her last bit of strength to touch his face. Only Kotomine Kirei himself knew that at that time he still had no expression on his face, and even his eyes did not change at all. It was just the woman's wishful thinking that made him see it that way. The woman tried to prove the existence of his emotions and his value as a human being in a final way, but the result did not seem to be very successful. It was not until he stepped out of the door that Kotomine Kirei felt sad, but it was not because of the woman's death. "Why? If I have to die, I want to kill myself." That’s what he thought at the time. It was then that he realized his true nature. From the perspective of the world's moral standards, he is an unforgivable sinner, and any normal person would not allow him to act like this. "I tried so hard to love her..." Kotomine Kirei looked at Miojin, and for some reason he wanted to confide in the woman who saw through his true nature at a glance. Like a sinner praying to God. "In my eyes, she is a saint." But all his efforts went in the opposite direction. His innate deficiency made Kotomine Kirei's heart like the blackened Holy Grail. The purer the thoughts, the more thoroughly they would be polluted. "She died in front of me, but I felt sorry that I couldn't kill her myself. I got pleasure from her, and I felt excited when I saw her suffering." Kotomine Kirei stated all of this.
"…You know what pleasure is." Yuzhongjin spoke up. "Pleasure? Is that feeling called pleasure? Yes, I was very happy at that time." Kotomine Kirei acknowledged the distortion within himself. "You love her..." Yuzhongjin was about to speak. "I tried so hard to love her, but the urge to destroy her was stronger than anything else. When she died, I was shaken to my core." Kotomine Kirei asked in confusion: "Can this kind of feeling be defined as love?" "Why not?" Yuzhongjin asked back, and then a knife appeared in her hand, with the handle pointing in the direction of Kotomine Kirei. She continued: "Do you want to kill me now? If so, you might as well raise this knife and attack me. I swear by my real name, I will not hide." It is another "self-imposed certificate". Miojin held her breath and concentrated, waiting for Kotomine Kirei's decision. She was sure that the latter would not attack her, simply because that was his personality. But even so, she was still a little nervous. Kotomine Kirei clenched the hilt of his sword and pointed it at Yuzun. If he killed him here, it would reduce the number of participants in the Holy Grail War, and he would clearly gain an advantage, but... No interest. There is no intention to kill the other party. "You have no interest in 'killing' others, but you want to kill that woman with your own hands because she loves you. However, just loving you is not enough. What's more important is that you also love her, so you want to destroy her. This is your twisted personality." Yuzhuanjin put down her spoon. She had finished her meal, so she continued, "The love for someone and the urge to destroy, these two contradictory forces are pulling at each other, and it is hard to tell who will win. You always choose one. Why don't you think about whether these two emotions can coexist for you?" "I love her?" Kotomine Kirei's tone was a little awkward. "no doubt." Yuzhuanjin can be sure. "this is Love?" "Yes, although it's a little twisted, this is how you express your love." "Because I love her, I have the urge to destroy her." There was a hint of emotion in Kotomine Kirei's eyes. "People are human because of self-control, and because of love, they want to destroy themselves. But after they really destroy themselves, their hearts will lose both of these feelings at the same time, becoming extremely empty, and they will never be satisfied in this life." Yu Zhuanjin gave a solution: "Why not hold on to a ray of hope and keep the feelings before they are destroyed, so that this love will become more profound? Imagine how much pleasure you can get?" "Who can I love?"
Kotomine Kirei said hollowly. "No, why would you think not? Don't you have a child with that woman?" Yuzhuanjin gave a friendly reminder. Kallen Aldessia, daughter of Kotomine Kirei. He should be only eight years old now. "Hey sir, your order is ready." The store manager, Ba, came over with a plate and saw that Kotomine Kirei looked a little serious. He laughed and said, "It seems that you are talking about some serious matters. I won't disturb you~" The color is bright red, maybe there is more chili sauce than tofu. Just looking at it makes my eyes burn, not to mention smelling it. Fortunately, I didn’t bring the fox spirit this time, otherwise, we would all be in trouble. "I'm leaving now. Take your time eating." Yuzhuanjin stood up and wanted to leave. "No, you can't leave." Kotomine Kirei said: "I still have one doubt." "…What doubts?" Yuzhongjin asked. "I don't like the man named Emiya Kiritsugu. To be precise, I am not interested in him personally, but when that android is around him, I get very annoyed. Why is that?" Kotomine Kirei didn't understand. "Oh~ I heard something interesting unexpectedly." Mizutsu stood up and continued, "You and Emiya Kiritsugu should know very well that you are of the same kind. Even if you have never met, you have a subtle premonition about each other." “Although the outcome is the same, the process is very different.” This is how Kotomine Kirei evaluated him and Emiya Kiritsugu. "Of course. You don't have a 'heart'. Emiya Kiritsugu does have a 'heart'. He has the same emotions as ordinary people, but his ideals forced him to give up all these emotions at a certain point in time. In contrast, you have never had anything to give up." Yu Zhuanjin sighed, "That man has what you have been longing for for a long time. He loves others and is loved by others, but he throws this emotion away like garbage. The reason is just for the so-called "justice" that is worthless in your eyes. You hate what he does because you are envious and jealous. You also long to love someone, but you can't love them." “Who do I long to love, too?” Kotomine Kirei lowered his head in deep thought. "That's all I have to say. It's time for me to leave." This time, when Miojin took a step forward, Kotomine Kirei did not stop him. "Do I long to love someone too?" Kotomine Kirei looked at the mapo tofu in front of him, which looked like a picture scroll from hell. He picked up the spoon and took a bite. It was as if his tongue was pierced by a thousand sharp needles, and salt was sprinkled on the wounds.
Although it was painful, it made him feel sober. It also made him understand something in his heart. Claudia Ordesia's death was not meaningless to him. It was the most crucial step, which made a formula appear in his blank heart. There is a difference between going from having no solution to being unable to be solved! And now, the answer is in your heart.