'Shadow Guardians is a noble organization.'
Enigma said.
On the very first day I joined, I thought it was one of the many heroic groups which preached morals but were rotten at the core.
Maybe because I spent months with a terrible person like Roxanna, I had trouble believing humanity other than Varian had any shred of goodness left in them.
So, I began to observe.
I observed their training, their lifestyle, their doctrine, and more importantly, their actions.
With each day, my prejudice broke down bit by bit.
But I wasn't getting normal. I kept recalling Roxanna's last moments.
The shock in her eyes, the blood spurting from her body, her final expression before she died.
I enjoyed that memory with glee.
Why am I becoming like this?
Is it because of the anger that was pent up in her since the torture began?
I wondered if I had changed?
Perhaps I did.
I can't smile. My smile left me.
I can't cry either. My tears dried up.
I thought that I was strong. After enduring the torture from her for all those days, I thought I was.
But when I finally got the chance to sleep in my own bed, I realized…I was scared.
Did she lie?
Or was it the truth?
Was my existence really erased from the world?
To hell with that.
Was I removed from HIS memories?
When that thought crossed my mind, I was on my feet.
I didn't wait for even a second. I exited the secret realm and headed to our city.
It had been a few months since I last visited this place.
I hadn't seen him since I left for the academy.
I wonder if he's doing fine.
…I wonder if he remembered me.
Dawn fell.
I waited outside his apartment.
After my little investigations from the neighbors using my psychic powers, Varian recently started going to a training hall.
I thought I couldn't smile anymore, but now, I can't stop smiling.
Did he awaken? Did he finally come out of his depression?
Did he….?
Creak.
The door creaked open and a young man stepped out.
I quickly hid myself using a treasure. Even mid awakeners can't find me with this, so I wasn't worried about Varian seeing me.
But.
"What a shitty day." He looked at the two suns and muttered as he walked to the elevator.
His hair was disheveled, his eyes had dark circles under them and even the way he spoke lacked any enthusiasm.
It was...it was like he was a living zombie.
"Woo."
A muffled sound came out of my throat.
Varian turned toward me and I froze in place.
His eyes looked at the location I am standing. He couldn't see me.
So, he didn't react even when his eyes locked with mine.
But I did.
My heart pounded violently and my chest grew heavy.
I saw them clearly this time.
His eyes.
His eyes weren't bright. They didn't have hope.
They were pitch black. Like the night without stars. Like his life devoid of any hope.
He…too was broken.
A deep sense of sadness engulfed my heart and before I knew it, I was sobbing.
"V-Varian…argh, I…I was really scared." I collapsed to my knees as tears streamed down my cheeks.
"…It was horrible, it was a pain that ripped me from the inside."
With each drop of tear, I spoke a bit more about the grievances I suffered.
"…I wish I died multiple times during the torture, but…I didn't want to die because of you."
I raised my head through the teary eyes and looked at him.
At that moment, I felt myself freezing in anticipation.
Why did I say those words to him right after they met?
For an Apology? Revenge? Consolation?
No.
Because every time I confessed her grievance to him, Varian would hug me tightly and say "I'm here for you."
The warmth of his touch, the affection in his hug, and the resolve in his words.
That was enough.
That was all I need.
But.
Varian looked at my location and muttered. "I felt like I heard something."
Then, shaking his head, he turned on the elevator.
"I—" I stretched my hand towards him, but in the end, I didn't do anything.
The disguise treasure…it silenced my voice as well.
I laughed at myself. It was pathetic, but also sad.
A treasure that was supposed to help me silenced my own voice.
And.
The image of a man flashed in my mind.
'Evander.'
The person that I trusted gave me away to the Xanders.
Be it a treasure or a person, the ones I trusted betrayed me.
Suppressing the negative feelings in my chest, I followed Varian to the training hall.
His eyes which were indifferent till now finally showed some emotions.
When his fist met his opponent's, when the skin on his fist broke along with the other man's and their blood splashed into the air, I saw it.
He finally smiled.
"Hahaha!" He laughed like a madman and followed up with another punch.
Throughout the fight, as flesh beat with flesh and bone clashed with bone, he kept smiling.
But it wasn't the gentle smile I knew.
It was…the smile of an addict.
The smile of a man who found the joy of life in fighting.
No.
It was the smile of a man who escapes his life through fighting.
Varian always saw fighting as a means to his dreams, never as an end.
But now, he treated fighting as the most important thing.
It was the only thing in his life.
I couldn't bear to watch him anymore and ran out of the training hall.
I visited the parks we used to play at. I visited our school.
With each place, my memories of him grew deeper.
Finally, I visited our old home.
It was where a lot of our memories lay.
Now, it was just empty land that no one wanted.
I looked at the place where it all began and suppressed the ominous premonition in my heart.
I returned to his apartment.
I will find out tonight.