Chapter 97: The Dragon Palace Son-in-Law's Working Adventures
Lu Qingyang soared over the mirage on his Qingming Sword, the shark silk bellyband hanging from the hilt holding three Water-Avoiding Pearls.
Spotting a faint treasure glow beneath the coral reef, he cast out his bronze mirror to illuminate the back door of the Dragon Palace kitchen: "Are all you Kitchen Gods busy?"
The mirror's light swept over a thousand-year-old mystic turtle awaiting slaughter on a chopping block, its shell's patterns surprisingly spelling out "Lu Qingyang Was Here."
Two sea-patrolling night watchmen blocked his path with their tridents, but he plastered their faces with Stinky Tofu Talismans: "Brothers, your nostrils can hold night-luminescent pearls; what extraordinary talent!"
While they retched, the Qingming Sword pried open a steamer, snatching two baskets of crystal shrimp dumplings, the scalding soup pouring onto the pursuers' heads, leaving behind a burn mark.
"Who goes there, you petty thief!" the Dragon Palace Grand Steward arrived, treading the waves, his three-pointed, two-edged blade cleaving out a thirty-foot wall of water.
Lu Qingyang pulled out a fragment of the Soul-Shattering Bell he'd swiped from the Netherworld Hall, tapping out a tune of "Eighteen Touches": "Steward, your swordplay, did you practice it by slicing fish sashimi?"
The sound waves made the shrimp soldiers perform a striptease, and he seized the opportunity to dart towards the Treasure Pavilion.
The coiled Dragon lock on the pavilion door bit onto the bronze mirror, which suddenly reflected the Grand Steward's bald head.
Lu Qingyang snickered: "Is that hairstyle of yours a submarine dandelion?"
His sword tip seized the chance to poke into the keyhole, and the Qingming Sword Qi triggered a mechanism, causing the entire wall to spring open, revealing a room full of night-luminescent pearls, half of which he scooped into his trouser belt.
A Luo's silver bell necklace suddenly rang out, and seahorse cavalry charged from the seaweed.
Lu Qingyang threw out seventy-two copper coins, arranging them into a treasure-gathering formation, and syrup shot from the coin holes, sticking to the pursuers' hooves: "Please, everyone, have some wedding candy!"
With a flick of his wrist, he snatched the Fire-Avoiding Pearl from under the lead seahorse's saddle and tucked it into his shoe as an insole.
An underwater volcano erupted with a roar, its lava solidifying into the figure of a Red Serpent Gate Elder.
"Little thief, return my sect's Mountain Suppressing Seal!" The fire dragon whip coiled towards Lu Qingyang's waist, but he deflected it with a bronze toilet lid, sparks igniting the Elder's beard: "Elder, is that look of yours the spokesperson for an underwater barbecue stand?"
The Third Prince, riding an Evil Jiao, attacked through the water, blood scabs from scales he'd picked off the other day still clinging to the Dragon horns.
Lu Qingyang pulled out a Miao Frontier Love Gu and scattered it towards the Evil Jiao's nostrils: "I'll find you a female night watchman!"
The Gu worms burrowed into the scale crevices, and the Evil Jiao suddenly twisted into a pretzel, collapsing the Treasure Pavilion's pillars, an embroidered golden bellyband rolling out of a jade box.
"This fabric is enough to buy half a brothel!" He grabbed the bellyband and covered his face with it, the bronze mirror reflecting the 'Spring Palace Body Tempering Art' embroidered on it.
The Grand Steward's three-pointed blade arrived, slicing through the air, but he caught the blade with the bellyband: "Elder, are you interested in used underwear?"
The entire Dragon Palace suddenly shook, and nine bronze cauldrons burst from the earth.
Lu Qingyang kicked open a cauldron lid and fished out pawn ticket stubs, the topmost one reading "Pawned one Dragon horn for one hundred roasted chickens."
He clucked his tongue, shaking his head: "I was too kind back then; I should have asked for two hundred!"
The pawn ticket ignited with Sanwei True Fire, burning through the Restriction and revealing the entrance to the underwater Spiritual Vein.
"The creditor is collecting rent!" He swooped down on his Qingming Sword, and the moment the sword's tip pierced the Spiritual Vein, three hundred Spirit Stones gushed out like a fountain.
A Luo flung out her silver bell chains, coiling them into a net, but he still stealthily tucked twenty into his crotch: "A man without some hard currency in his pocket can't stand tall!"
The Netherworld Palace Lord arrived, riding the Ten Thousand Soul Banner, the fierce ghosts on the banner's surface just poking their heads out before being stunned by the Spirit Stones.
Lu Qingyang pulled out a Food-Eating Ants queen egg and crushed it, the swarm immediately turning to gnaw at the Soul Banner: "All you hungry ghosts, try the underwater buffet!"
With a backhand flick, he threw out three-hundred-year-old fermented stinky tofu, its sour smell making the Red Serpent Gate Elder fall into a giant clam shell.
The Third Prince roared, revealing his true Dragon form, his mouth emitting Mystic Ice True Qi that froze half the sea.
Lu Qingyang stuffed night-luminescent pearls into his crotch as a warm compress, and the Qingming Sword jabbed at the Dragon's soft scales on its belly: "Is that beer belly of yours pregnant with three hundred turtle sons?"
The Sword Qi triggered the Fire Toad Talisman he had buried yesterday, and the Dragon's belly exploded in a burst of fireworks.
"Fire!" He used the chaos to dart deeper into the Spiritual Vein, the bronze mirror revealing a hidden compartment in the rock wall.
He kicked open the Seal and pulled out the Dragon Clan's supreme treasure, the Ocean-Propping Halberd, but he detached the pearl-encrusted halberd shaft and tucked it into his embrace: "This shaft is perfect for a back scratcher!"
Twelve coiling Dragon pillars suddenly rose from the seabed, and the Dragon Palace Imperial Guards formed a battle array to surround him.
Lu Qingyang pulled out three hundred Water-Avoiding Talismans and scattered them overhead; the talismans, upon touching water, transformed into a transparent swarm of jellyfish: "Nine ninety-nine with free shipping!"
He, however, slipped into a jellyfish's bell, drifting with the undercurrent towards the surface night market.
Three days later, a pearl-encrusted back scratcher appeared in the pawn shop at the East Sea market.
Lu Qingyang sat with his feet up at the counter, gnawing on a roasted chicken, his Qingming Sword displaying a banner that read "High-priced recycling of used bellybands."
A Luo squatted by the door, stringing Spirit Stones, when she suddenly pointed at the sea and shrieked: "Look! The Dragon Palace is drifting!"
High in the clouds, the Grand Steward was pursuing him, riding the Ocean-Propping Halberd.
The halberd's tip suddenly got stuck with syrup, and Lu Qingyang brandished the bronze mirror, shouting: "Trade-in for a new one!"
The mirror's light reflected a doggerel poem he had carved onto the halberd's shaft—"Dragon Palace Son-in-Law Lu Qingyang, a roasted chicken for a divine spear."