“U-Um… can we talk?”
I narrowed my eyes at the boy standing on my doorstep. He was so nervous he was trembling.
I wasn’t even exaggerating.
He looked like he was moments away from being a part of some unholy sacrifice.
His hands were shaking like dry leaves in a storm, and his wide eyes kept darting around like he was expecting a landmine to explode beneath him at any second.
Unable to resist, I leaned forward and lowered my voice for dramatic effect before shouting, “Boo!”
“Aaah!” He flinched so hard he nearly leapt out of his skin. “W-Why would you do that?!”
I burst out laughing. “Ah, relax. I was having a boring day.”
Calming down, I gave him a proper look from head to toe and arched an eyebrow. “So, who are you, exactly?”
The boy blinked at me, looking utterly bewildered. “Y-You don’t remember me?”
“Should I?” I tilted my head. “Have we met?”
“We just met! A few hours ago!” he spluttered, his voice climbing higher with every word. “I’m Ivan! I was with my friends, Viktor and Irina… You gave us back the money you, uh… borrowed from us.”
I frowned, tapping my chin. “Hmm…”
After a few seconds, I snapped my fingers. “Oh, right! You’re one of those idiots — uh, I mean, one of those Frostborn! Sorry, you guys all have very forgettable faces, y’know?”
He looked genuinely offended at my words. “You guys? Th-That’s… rude. And m-maybe racist?”
I snorted. “Oh, no, no. By ‘you guys,’ I don’t mean Northerners. I mean literally everyone besides me.”
His jaw fell open in utter confusion. “H-Huh…?”
I nodded sincerely. “Oh, yeah. See, Ikan—”
“Ivan,” he corrected meekly, but I ignored him.
“—I’ve gotten so used to staring at my own beautiful face every morning in the mirror for hours. Naturally, now no other face in the world even comes close, so nothing sticks in my memory. It’s not you. It’s me.”
His mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for air, clearly at a loss for words.
After a moment, he managed, “T-That… has to be the most narcissistic thing I’ve ever heard. Aside from your speech at the ceremony…”
I shrugged casually. “It’s not narcissism if it’s true, Nican.”
“It’s Ivan,” he muttered, but the correction sounded more defeated this time.
“Right, that’s what I said.” I waved him off before heading back inside.
The boy followed me behind with the confidence of someone who didn’t know what they should do next.
“Anyway,” I guided him back to the living room and gestured for him to sit on the sofa. “You’re here for something, aren’t you? Or did you really just come to bask in my glorious presence?”
He hesitated, as if debating whether to actually speak or just run out of the room. Meanwhile, I grabbed a bottle of scotch and two glasses.
Eventually, he took a deep breath and straightened his back — well, as much as someone like him could. “I… I came to thank you for earlier.”
“Thank me?” I frowned, genuinely surprised. “For what? Returning your money?”
“W-Well, yes. And for, uh, I… I wanted to ask you something.” He smiled the kind of smile you’d expect from someone trying to pat a rabid wolf. “I-If I was to return my share of money back to you, could you do me a favor?”
“You want to pay me for a favor?” I mused, pouring some scotch into the glasses, grabbing one for myself and pushing the other toward him. “That’s new. Most people just beg.”
“O-Oh, I don’t drink,” Ivan waved his hands.
I blinked a couple of times before taking a slow sip from my glass, watching him squirm under my gaze.
“This scotch is worth more than what most people earn in a year, you know? A man should always know when to indulge and when to abstain.” I shook my head in disappointment. “Anyway, go on. What’s this favor you’re so nervous about?”
He shifted in his seat like a child preparing for confession before finally blurting out, “It’s… it’s about my friend, Irina.”
“Ah, Irina,” I drawled, letting her name stretch like I was savoring it. “The one with strawberry blonde hair and the most punchable face I’ve ever seen. Sure. Go on.”
Ivan’s face twisted in horror. “S-She doesn’t have a punchable face!”
“She does,” I said matter-of-factly. “But continue. And make it quick. I have somewhere I need to be.”
“O-Okay.” He exhaled sharply, steeling himself. “I think I… like her. Like… like her like her.”
I tilted my head, faking confusion. “And this is a problem because?”
“She… she likes my best friend Viktor,” he admitted, his voice barely audible.
“Ah, unrequited love,” I said, sipping my drink with mock solemnity. “The classic tragedy. So, let me guess. You’re here to ask me, Samael Theosbane, for advice on how to win her over?”
His face flushed even redder, but he nodded. “Y-Yes! You’re… you’re the most confident person I’ve ever seen. Most nobles are conceited, but you — you’re just on another level! Even at the ceremony, the speech you gave in front of everyone… I could never say those things to anyone in a million years! Irina said she likes confident guys, so I thought maybe I could come to you. Maybe get some advice… and…”
I leaned forward, a slow grin spreading across my face. “And you figured I’d take pity on you because of your tragic romantic plight?”
His face somehow turned an even deeper shade of crimson. “I-I didn’t mean it like that!”
“Oh, I know exactly what you meant,” I said, waving him off. “And while I’m flattered you think so highly of me, let me make one thing abundantly clear.”
I leaned back in my chair, letting my smirk fade. “I’m not interested.”
“What?!” he yelped, looking completely crushed. “But… why not?”
“Because,” I said, taking another sip of my scotch, “you’re boring. And your little love triangle? Even more boring. Irina likes Viktor. Viktor probably has no idea. And you? You’re the third wheel clinging to the cart like your life depends on it.”
He opened and closed his mouth a few times, his expression crumbling into a sad, deflated mess.
I sighed, resting the glass against my lips. “Look, I’m not trying to be cruel — well, maybe a little — but your problem is entirely your own. And honestly, what chance do you stand against Viktor? If I remember correctly, he’s taller, stronger, and considerably less… shaky than you.”
I gestured toward the door. “You can see yourself out. I have better things to do than playing cupid in your teenage drama.”
For a moment, I thought he might actually cry.
His shoulders slumped, his face reddened. His steps were heavy as he got up and turned to leave — probably heading straight for some empty park bench to have a heartfelt sob session.
But just as he moved, something caught my eye.
Something shiny glistening in the room’s dull light.
It was a badge pinned to his uniform.
My eyes squinted as I leaned forward. “Wait a second…”
He froze mid-step. “W-What?”
“That badge.” I said, my tone shifting from disinterest to intrigue. “You’re in the Alchemy Society?”
He blinked, glancing down as if he’d only just remembered it was there. “Y-Yeah. Why?”
A devious smile crept back onto my face.
Oh, this was too perfect. I had been considering hiring a novice alchemist to assist me with some of my… plans.
And now, as if fate itself had intervened, one had walked right through my door.
The heavens must be favoring me today.
“Oh, no reason,” I said casually, though my smirk betrayed the storm brewing in my mind. “Except that changes everything.”
His eyes widened. “It… it does?”
“Of course!” I exclaimed, setting my glass down with an air of sudden enthusiasm. “I could never turn away a future scholar of such noble pursuits. Especially one with access to certain… resources.”
“R-Resources?”
“Mm-hmm.” I nodded, my expression as innocent as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. “Now, let’s talk about your little crush, Igor. I think I might just have the perfect plan.”
“Ivan–” he tried to correct me yet again, his voice defeated, but then he froze mid-sentence upon realizing what I had just said. “Wait, you do? So, y-you are willing to help me?”
“Of course,” I said, pointing toward the chair, and he sat back down like an eager puppy. “But before I help you with your love life, you’ll need to do three favors for me.”
“Three?” he asked, incredulous.
“Well, unless you think you can win over a girl so far out of your league without any help, feel free to reject my offer.” I shrugged nonchalantly.
He didn’t hesitate for even a second. “Whatever! I’ll do whatever you say!”
I couldn’t help but marvel at how quickly he surrendered. Love really does make people desperate, doesn’t it?
Honestly, I couldn’t comprehend the concept of falling in love. Caring for anyone other than me? It was a funny thought.
“Good, I like your enthusiasm!” I clapped my hands together. “First, let’s start with something simple. I need rumors spreading about me.”
“Rumors?” Ivan frowned, confused.
“Yeah,” I explained. “It won’t be hard. I’ve already laid some groundwork. For instance, your friends will definitely be talking shit about me in noble circles behind my back.”
“Oh, so you want me to counter those rumors with good ones about you?” Ivan asked, trying to make sense of it.
“No,” I corrected, shaking my head. “I want the negative rumors to keep coming. Both the commoners and the nobles. I want everyone to focus on me, and only me.”
Ivan scratched his neck, looking uneasy. “O-Okay.”
“I know this task might be a little tricky for you since you’re…” I gave him a hard look, “an introvert. So, I need you to go find a guy named Vince Cleverly in our batch. Ask him to do this job, but don’t mention my name. Just tell him to give you his bank account number and promise him a thousand Credits for every rumor he spreads.”
“Vince Cleverly? Isn’t he one of our batch’s top-ranking Cadets?”
“He is.”
“How do you know he’ll do what you ask?”
I nearly laughed out loud.
In the game, Vince Cleverly was a fan-favorite side character.
He was a shrewd man who knew more legal loopholes than some of the major lawyers.
He loved chaos and would do almost anything for the right price. Because of that, he was neither a hero nor a villain — everyone hated him equally.
He was the kind of guy who always knew someone for any job you could possibly imagine.
“Believe me, he’ll do it. All he cares about is money,” I said with a smirk. “Next up, I need you to create a big vial of fake blood for me.”
“F-Fake blood?” Ivan stammered, looking thoroughly taken aback.
“Yeah. Originally, I thought about just making someone bleed and collecting their blood, but then I decided fake blood would be better.”
“B-Better for what? W-What are you planning to do?” His voice wavered as though he wasn’t ready to hear my answer.
I couldn’t resist messing with him a bit.
Glaring at him as seriously as I could, I intoned in a deep voice, “Don’t ask me about my business, Vivan. Don’t ever ask me about my business.”
This time, the poor boy didn’t even bother correcting his name. His face went pale, and I was genuinely worried he might keel over from sheer terror.
I burst out laughing. “I’m kidding! Relax. But seriously, don’t ask. Anyway, for my last favor, I need you to keep an eye on a girl named Juliana. She’s my shadow. You must’ve seen her — white hair, blue eyes, infuriatingly good-looking. She’s in the Alchemy Society too.”
“Yes, I think I know her.” Ivan hesitated, scratching his head. “You want me to… spy on her?”
“No. Not spy,” I clarified. “Just take an interest. Let me know when she’s in the lab, when she leaves, and who she talks to. Don’t make it obvious. You’re not a spy — you’re an observant admirer. Got it?”
That seemed to calm him down. “Alright. I can do that.”
Standing up, I placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile. “Good. Do these three things for me, and I promise I’ll help you win over your little crush. I always pay my debts.”
The look of pure joy that spread across his face was almost enough to make me feel bad. Almost.
“Now, if you don’t mind, I have some business to attend to,” I said, guiding him toward the door. Just as he stepped out, a thought struck me, and I called after him, “By the way, what’s your Origin Card?”
“Oh!” He perked up, looking oddly proud. “I can hold my breath underwater for seven minutes.”
I blinked, staring at him.
Surely, he wasn’t serious.
“…That’s your superpower? Holding your breath for a long time underwater?”
“That’s right.” He nodded firmly, his chest puffed out with pride.
I struggled to find words. “And Viktor’s ability? What’s his innate power?”
“Oh, he can shoot lasers from his eyes.”
…Wow.
If I were Irina, I’d also pick the guy who could shoot freaking lasers from his eyes over a fucking human fish.
This was going to be an uphill battle.