Juliana went to answer the door.
But before she could inform me who it was, a young man with dark brown hair burst right in.
“Samael—!?” he cried out in a squeaky thin voice, hurriedly stumbling into the living room while bravely holding back tears.
But the moment his eyes landed on the pile of Essence Stones in front of me, he froze.
His wide, bluish-tinted eyes glistened behind spectacles so large they covered half his face, giving him an owl-like appearance.
He turned toward me, parting his quivering lips to speak. His cheeks were flushed red, as if he’d been crying all the way here.
But before he could say a word, Juliana appeared behind him.
And the disturbingly furious scowl on her face suggested she was about to grab him by the collar and drag him outside.
Thankfully, I intervened before she traumatized the poor guy any further than he already looked.
“Juli, wait!” I said. “He’s a guest. Actually, it’s good that you’re both here. Igor, meet Juliana Vox Blade — she’s my Shadow, as you already know. Juli, meet Imolde. You’re both in the Alchemy Society.”
Ivan gawked at me, mouth half-open in sheer disbelief. “Y-You… It’s intentional now! You got my name wrong twice in a single sentence!”
Juliana waved a hand dismissively and walked past him to flop down on a small couch across from me. “I know who he is. I don’t care. But he is lucky to still have all his limbs attached after pushing me aside.”
Ivan flinched at that, nervously adjusting his oversized glasses, too meek to even protest.
I, on the other hand, was thoroughly enjoying the show. “Oh, don’t mind Juli. She’s just in a mood. Her usual mood. You tell me, Vivan, what brings you here? Something urgent? And do you always burst into rooms uninvited, or is today special?”
Ivan cleared his throat, voice cracking slightly as he stammered, “I—uh, I didn’t mean to intrude. I just… I needed to talk to you about the—”
His words trailed off, and the tears threatening to spill earlier now shimmered dangerously close to falling.
My god, he was actually about to cry.
I was bad at handling crying people. I never knew what to say!
“Hey, hey, buddy! Calm down,” I said in a gentler tone. “Just tell me. What is it?”
He took a shaky breath and squeezed his eyes shut for a second, as if gathering courage. “I want you to do what you promised to do for me! Now!”
I gave him a tired look. “What? That’s what this is about? I told you, I’ll get to it—”
“No!” Ivan blurted out, jaw tight and fists clenched.
I blinked a few times, caught off guard. “Excuse me?”
“We had a deal! I– I want you to hold up your end of the bargain! Now!” Ivan shouted, his voice wobbling dangerously between anger and outright sobbing.
I gave him a stern look. “You might want to watch that tone when you’re talking to me.”
To my surprise — and to his credit — Ivan didn’t back down.
Yes, he flinched a little.
But he stood his ground, staring right back at me with determination flaring in his teary eyes.
“I gave you everything I agreed to give you! More, even! You kept asking me to do things for you and I never complained! But I really, really want you to… to please just keep on your promise now!”
By the end of his rant, he finally broke down and started bawling.
Now, I don’t want to sound insensitive, but I’d just like to point out that Ivan was from the Northern Safe-Zone.
So, he had a northern accent. He spoke from the back of his throat, like Russians. And because his voice was a bit thin, he usually sounded… well, cute.
Cute for a guy.
But when he cried, his voice reminded me of those pitiful stray kittens you’d find trapped under a car in the rain — except somehow even more tragic.
I stared at him for a moment, torn between comforting him or finding a tiny cardboard box to gently place him inside.
Juliana, meanwhile, was eyeing him like she was seriously weighing whether to sew his mouth shut or kick him out the nearest window.
God, what a heartless young woman.
I sighed and turned to Ivan. “Okay, fine. I’ll get to it right away. But first, why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Because there’s clearly something to unpack here. And for the love of Monarchs, stop crying.”
The young alchemist tried to stifle his sobs but failed miserably. After finally calming down a little, he spoke in between sniffs and hiccups:
“S-She asked him out.”
…Ahh, there it was.
He was being rejected before even confessing.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at the fact that I had an entire world’s future to worry about.
A few mythic mysteries to solve.
Some grimdark adventures to prepare for.
A secret society threatening humanity’s existence to dismantle.
Oh, and an evil God on the verge of awakening and destroying reality to defeat.
Yet here I was — about to fix some guy’s love life.
But well, a deal was a deal.
With another sigh, I got up and walked over to my liquor collection on the minibar. I picked out a bottle of fine scotch and poured two glasses.
Meanwhile, Juliana finally spoke up. “Okay, what is going on here?”
“I’m glad you asked,” I said, taking one glass for myself and walking back over to Juliana, extending the other toward her.
She glanced back and forth between me and the glass, suspicious.
“It’s not poisoned,” I quipped.
She still didn’t take it.
“Do you have any idea how expensive this scotch is?” I narrowed my eyes.
That worked. She snatched the glass and took a cautious sip, silently appreciating the scotch.
“You see, Juli,” I said, pointing at Ivan, “that guy right there likes a girl named Irina. You must know her — you seem to know everyone in our batch.”
“There are seven Irinas in our batch,” Juliana replied flatly.
My eyebrow twitched. “Northerner. Strawberry blonde hair. A face that most boys would call cute, but one I find extremely punchable.”
Juliana nodded seriously. “Yeah, I know someone like that.”
I nodded back, then once again pointed at Ivan. “Okay, so he likes her. But she, like every other teenage girl, has a thing for dashing guys who aren’t trembling messes like Igor here. So she likes Viktor — the cool guy in their trio.”
Ivan looked like he wanted to object but wisely stayed out of it.
I continued, “All three of them are childhood friends. And our little alchemist here wants some serious help if he hopes to stand a chance against Viktor for the heart of his crush.”
Juliana gave me the look you’d give someone trying to sell you a broken umbrella during a hurricane.
“Wow,” she said in mock enthusiasm, her voice dry enough to parch the air, “that’s such a fresh romance story. Not at all a cliché love triangle. And it totally doesn’t sound like the setup to a bad high school drama.”
“I know, right?” I remarked sarcastically.
Ivan sniffled loudly in the background, his glasses fogging up again.
I took a slow sip of my scotch, savoring the taste — and the sheer absurdity of my life choices — before Juliana asked:
“And why exactly are you playing matchmaker for him when you know he stands no chance?”
Ivan hiccuped.
I sighed again. “Well, that’s his payment for spying on you… among other things.”
Juliana blinked. Once. Twice.
Then, slowly, she turned her gaze to Ivan, who had curled up in his oversized sweater like a guilty turtle trying to disappear into its shell.
“He spied on me?” Her voice was dangerously soft.
By now, it was obvious she knew I had been keeping tabs on her. What she hadn’t realized was who had been feeding me the details.
And judging by the look on her face, she sure as hell hadn’t expected my secret informant to be… him.
“Huh,” she scoffed after a long moment. “So that’s why he was always staring at me like some sort of weirdo. And I thought he was just a creep who couldn’t talk to girls. Turns out, he’s both.”
Ivan let out a pitiful whimper and sank deeper into his sweater.
“Now, now,” I said, feigning sympathy. “Don’t be mean. You two will be spending a lot of time together from now on.”
I gave them a very nice, very polite smile.
And Ivan went pale, his face literally drained of color.
By the time Juliana turned to me, the realization had hit her like a brick.
She knew I was going to dump him on her. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Yes, Juli,” I said with all the sweetness and charm I could muster. “I’m handing him over to you. Help him win his love crisis.”
“And why in heaven’s name would I do that?” she spat dryly.
“Simple,” I raised three fingers, ticking them off one by one. “One, you have a remarkable insight into human nature. You can read people like open books. Put that talent to good use. Two, I wouldn’t have sent him to spy on you if you weren’t planning a rebellion against me behind my back. So really, it’s on you I had to resort to him. And three, because I asked so nicely?”
Juliana ground her teeth, her face twisting in an almost comical mix of fury and disbelief. For a second, I was sure she might combust from sheer irritation.
“Asked nicely?” she repeated, her voice rising. “You’re practically ordering me to — what, play Saint Marcus for an idiot?”
Saint Marcus was this historically notable Awakened who had the gift for making any two people fall in love. A love that would never fade.
He did many other good deeds. He was a great man – the type of man legends are written about.
Ironically, or tragically maybe, he died alone without ever experiencing love himself.
“Exactly.” I shrugged. “And who better than you to help him out? You’ve been in and out of so many people’s business by now, clearly you know how relationships work. You have had, what, like a dozen suitors?”
“Seventeen,” she muttered, deadpan.
“Seventeen! Right!” I clapped my hands. “I’ve seen you cast your spell on so many people — men and women alike. At this point, you’re practically a relationship guru. And since you’re already an invaluable asset to me, why not throw in some matchmaking on the side? You’re practically qualified.”
“Qualified for what?” she shot back, her expression as unimpressed as ever. “Helping some lovesick fool make an even bigger fool of himself?”
Ivan, still buried in his sweater, peeked at her through the tangled mess of fabric, his glasses perched crookedly on his nose.
“Exactly,” I grinned. “And look, he’s not totally hopeless. With a little guidance, he might even stand a chance. And since you know how to manipulate people, you’ll be a great coach.”
Ivan’s face turned a even paler as he began mumbling something under his breath, probably a prayer hoping for divine intervention.
Juliana gave me a look of unamused disdain. “You’re really going to waste my precious time on this?”
“Oh, come on, it won’t be that bad,” I pointed to the pile of Essence Stones with a casual gesture. “I’ll pay you a hundred of those.”
Juliana’s eyes almost bugged out of her head, but she maintained her composure.
I had initially told her to ask me for whatever resources she wanted, yet after our deal, she hadn’t requested a single thing. Not directly. Not indirectly. Maybe she was still skeptical of my offer. Maybe she thought there was some hidden catch.
There wasn’t. But instead of explaining that, I simply gave her a task, one with a nice reward at the end.
That should put her at ease.
After a long pause, she clicked her tongue. “Tch. Fine. Whatever.”
“Good!” I smirked, feeling quite pleased with myself.
It’s as someone once said — pay others to do what you don’t want to.
Ivan gulped audibly.
I turned to watch his eyes glued to the pile of Essence Stones like they were something out of a treasure chest.
“What?” I raised an eyebrow. “Do you want some, too?”
Ivan blinked, clearly thrown off by the sudden offer. “C-Can I?”
“Sure,” I replied casually.
But Ivan just kept standing there like a statue, unmoving.
After what felt like a whole minute, he took a few cautious steps back. “N-No, it’s fine. You’re being too generous. There’s something fishy here.”
“What the fuck?” I frowned. “What do you mean ‘fishy’? Can’t I be generous? You know what? Now you have to take a few!”
“N-No!” Ivan started sweating while backing toward the door faster now.
I stood up to follow, but by the time I moved, he was already sprinting away, shrieking in pure panic.
After he left, I burst out laughing. “Ah, I love that guy.”
Juliana, however, was rubbing her forehead as if warding off a migraine. “He’s going to be a lot of work.”