Jeremy gulped, looking back at Dr. Moore with an expression I couldn't read. "I'm trying to change, so why do I still feel this way? Am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? Every time I look at Jake, I-I-I.." He stuttered. He glanced at me shook and his head. "This is why I don't like seeing therapists. It's better to keep these skeletons in the closet."
Dr. Moore's smile didn't falter. "Mr. Patterson. Jeremy. You don't really think that's the best way to treat any problem, do you? Just sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not there?" Dr. Moore shook his head. "It's better to accept that what you did, what you feel guilty for, was wrong. And then...let it go."
"Let it go??" Jeremy repeated.
"Yes. Move on." Dr. Moore told him. "Recognize your mistakes, and take steps to fix it. But also, let yourself off the hook. No one is perfect. Not you. Not me. Not Jake. We have made mistakes. And will continue to do so. It's part of human nature. It's what you do afterwards that defines your character."
Jeremy looked to me.
"I like you more than before." I told him.
That seemed to take all the hot air and anger out of him. He slumped in his seat, looking defeated.
"I think you're doing well." Dr. Moore said. "It's okay to be scared, worried, and stressed. Don't keep it bottled up though." He tapped his notebook. "It seems there are other things on your mind. Otherwise, why would you feel so pressured by this guilt?"
Jeremy sighed. "Everyone knows."
"Who is everyone and what do they know?"
"EVERYONE." He emphasized. "My friends, my teammates, my girlfriend, my fans, everyone knows that I...I didn't want to accept Jake." He looked at me again. "Sorry."
I shrugged, not expecting this at all. "It's okay. We're moving on, aren't we?"
"I feel like that too." Jeremy agreed. "But everyone else...they don't see it. They don't see me trying to make amends so I look like a bad guy. I feel like one too."
"Have you had conversations with your friends and girlfriend? A personal conversation about your mistakes and how you're trying to change?" Dr. Moore asked.
Jeremy nodded, then started to waver. "Well, some of them. The ones who know. My girlfriend, Rose, she was kept out of the loop, but then I brought her to meet my family. And...I just feel like things haven't been right since."
"Ah. Rose is important to you?"
"Of course!"
"So the way she perceives you now, makes you feel even more guilty. We're making progress."
"Just tell me what to do to fix all of this." Jeremy demanded, sounding short-tempered again. "Isn't that what therapists do?"
"I can't tell you what to do. I can help you clarify your feelings and thoughts, but you're the one who has to turn that into action." Dr. Moore smiled. "Are you still with this girlfriend? Are you still on speaking terms with those friends?"
"For now." Jeremy snorted.
Wow.
"Then you're better off than you thought. They're still around, they still have some semblance of trust in you. Sit down with them again. Explain yourself more clearly. The hurt you're feeling from their rejection as you try to become a better you."
"I thought you couldn't tell me what to do?" Jeremy looked skeptical.
"It's just a suggestion. May work, may not. No guarantees." Dr. Moore showed his hands and looked indifferent. "This advice can only go so far. You're still the one that has to make the decisions here."
"I'm just tired of explaining myself." Jeremy let out his hundredth sigh of the afternoon.
"As a public sports figure, you can try to use the media to your advantage." Dr. Moore pointed out. "Have an interview with the hard questions. It can help you, and maybe help Jake too."
"Me?" I was stunned. How was I suddenly pulled into this?
"I don't think Jake likes the limelight." Jeremy frowned.
Dr. Moore looked to me. "Aren't you also tired of explaining your situation to your classmates? Instead of just saying 'it's complicated', you uncomplicate it."
Jeremy looked at me, worried. "Do your classmates say bad things to you?"
I shook my head. "They aren't bad. Just confused. Noah usually just tells them to mind their own business."
Jeremy scratched his face. "Hmm. I'll talk to my agent. See what options are out there." He made eye contact with me. "You would have to discuss this with Wayne and Mary too. They are your guardians, plus it might also affect their own sons."
I shrugged. "I'm not in a rush."
"It's just an option for the future." Dr. Moore said. "Keep it in mind. Just in case you're still worried about how the public sees you. Until then, reach out to your close friends." He paused for a second. "Does your family know how you feel?"
Jeremy pursed his lips. "Well, sort of. They know I'm trying to be a brother to Jake. They know I have a sense of guilt for not being there. But they...they have their own opinions about the matter."
"Oh." Dr. Moore looked to me. "Have you thought about them at all?"
I gave a single nod. "You could say that. I saw them at the all-star game on Tuesday." I glanced at Jeremy. "With you." I paused for a minute. "If I had gone when you invited me...would I have to see them? Or did you invite them after I said no?"
Jeremy looked ashamed. "I thought it would be good to get together. You could meet them and they could see you. Get to know one another over the all-star break while in a different setting, over a fun-filled week. There was a lot we could have done there and then you would be able to sit with them when I played in the game."
"I don't like surprises." I told him, kind of hurt that he would have sprung that on me if I had went.
"I know I should have consulted you first, but you also said no so quickly so it doesn't matter now."
"It still matters." Dr. Moore jumped in. He looked at Jeremy. "How do you think Jake would feel, if he had said yes, and then you told him that your family was going to be there too. It would have been awkward for him. You would have put him in a difficult spot. He would either try to back out, and potentially hurt your feelings. Or he would go and try to face down some of his demons without preparation."
"My family aren't demons." Jeremy was astounded.
"Not to you. Not literally either." Dr. Moore looked to me. "Want to explain? Or want me to explain?"
I shook my head. "Jeremy...I don't think I'm ready to see Uncle Jack anytime soon. Maybe ever. He's different from you. He was an adult this whole entire time and didn't bother to check in on me or anything. You had your excuses: you were young, you were also abused, and you regret what you've done." I gulped. "What's his excuse?"
Jeremy was stunned into silence.