Once I reached my room, I expected Noah to follow or maybe even Mr. Atkins, but it was Dr. Moore that can by first. I had sat down on the bed, so to be more eye level with me, he had sat at the desk, facing me.
"You panicked." He stated calmly.
I felt the blood rush to my face, no doubt turning me red.
"Do you have any guesses as to why?"
I avoided eye contact.
"I like helping my patients come to their own conclusions, but I can sense that you already have an idea as to why you got upset and stormed out of there." Dr. Moore waited. "So, I'll say it first: you want to reject him before he rejects you."
"No!" I denied. "He already said we weren't brothers. I just now decided that it was okay not to be. I don't need him."
"I'm not saying you do." Dr. Moore said calmly.
My jaw clenched.
"Let me put this in perspective for you: you're mad that he never came back to check on you and didn't want a relationship with you. Now that he's making an effort to come be here, you run at the first sign. Are you just trying to get back at him? Make him see what it's like to get rejected?"
"He rejected me first so it's not like I'm the bad guy here." I frowned.
"I'm not saying that you are."
I groaned, frustrated. "What are you saying then??"
Dr. Moore looked me in the eye. "In all seriousness, do you really want to write him off so quickly? Weren't you willing to give this a shot just yesterday? Do you just want to cut ties?" He paused for a second. "There's no right or wrong answer. I just don't want you to pass up the chance to mend some of your hurt."
"Didn't you hear me down there?"
Dr. Moore studied me for a minute. I didn't back down or look away this time. Seeing my seriousness, he sighed. "Alright, Jake. If that's the way you feel, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm just thinking about your best interests."
A knock at the door sounded, pausing our conversation. Mr. Atkins peeked in. "Jake?" Seeing the stalemate between me and Dr. Moore, he straightened up and gestured for me to follow. "Come on, Jake, let's go for a drive."
I couldn't find a reason to refuse so I got up and followed him. Going down the stairs I felt my chest tightened, thinking I might run into Jeremy again. Instead, it was just Mrs. Atkins with Mr. Duncan.
She gave me a light smile and waved. I lifted my hand back at her and continued to follow Mr. Atkins to his car. We got settled in and he started to drive.
After fifteen minutes of silence, I thought of something to say. "Where did Noah go?"
"I had Zeke take him to the park. They're probably playing catch or running some plays." He chuckled to himself. "Dave went to see Garret and Kyle went to hang out with Marie. It's not very often they're so obedient. I think they know that you needed some alone time."
"I'm not alone." I looked at him, watching him drive. "I have you."
He grinned. "You do. I'm here for you. Always."
We left town, heading to somewhere I've been once before. We arrived at the beach, got some ice cream, and sat at the bench looking out to the ocean.
"It's been awhile." Mr. Atkins noted as he licked his ice cream. "So much has changed, huh?"
I nodded and ate my ice cream, feeling a sense of peace. Mr. Atkins had taken me here before, after Zeke's commitment to Stanford. It's where we talked about our dads and what I wanted from my own missing father. I paused. Glancing up at him, I felt suspicious.
Mr. Atkins laughed as he caught my look. "Oh. You figured me out so quickly. I didn't even say much yet."
I had an urge to throw my ice cream at his face.
"Now, now, don't get any ideas. We're just here to talk." He tried calming me down. "Eat your ice cream and stay cool. Doesn't that breeze feel nice?"
With the breeze, I caught the smell of the ocean.
"Do you remember what we talked about last time we were here?" He asked. "You were jealous of Rhys. But you were also curious. What would it be like to see your dad again."
"He's dead." I said stiffly. "Just like you, I won't get any closure."
"Jake." He said, his tone getting a notch higher. "I wasn't completely honest with you." He looked at my confused expression. "I didn't exactly lie, but I didn't tell you everything about my dad. It wasn't really proper to talk about it when we didn't know anything about your own father. We may be the same in saying that we have dead fathers, but the cause of death....is different."
"I don't understand. Dead is dead." I mumbled, kicking my legs out, swinging them back and forth.
"Hmm." Mr. Atkins paused for a second. "You're at the age you should know...some die without even seeing it coming. Others...others plan their deaths."
I suddenly had trouble swallowing. "You mean...suicide..?" With that one word, a memory of Mr. Atkins talking to me on the Golden Gate Bridge flashed through my mind. He had previously told me that he knew someone who committed suicide, but he didn't sound like he missed them.
Mr. Atkins gave me a small smile and a slight nod. "Yes. That call that I got about my fathers death; it was a suicide case. I didn't get any answers. Did he run out of money for the alcohol? Did he have any regrets? Did he just get too tired? I won't ever know."
I let some tears fall out of the corner of my eyes. "I'm sorry."
"It took some time for me to come to peace." He looked out to the ocean. "Sometimes I have to remind myself that he was a monster during my childhood when I feel like blaming myself for not looking harder and getting him some help. We all have an inner demon we must face. Some darker than others." He glanced at me. "You. And Jeremy. Two different people with two different inner demons."
"What's his?" I asked.
"You're asking the wrong person." Mr. Atkins shrugged lightly. "For all I know, he could have a small one, or a big one, or even multiple demons that haunt him when it's time to go to sleep." He finished off his ice cream. "You know what yours are, right?"
I can take a guess. I nodded.
"To take them on and to make them shrink, you've got to address them. Acknowledge them, and then acknowledge what you can do about them." He tilted his head at me. "Didn't you have a lot of questions about your dad? If he wanted you? If he cared? Or just, what was he like?"
I nodded vigorously.
"There's a person or two that can answer those kind of questions." Mr. Atkins told me.
Ah. He caught me. I shifted in my seat, looking down at my ice cream. "Jeremy."
"Or Jack. Maybe you even have grandparents. More aunts and uncles. I remember him saying that he has cousins...that means you have cousins. You could find out so much more with their help." He said. "So?"
"So." I repeated. I knocked my feet against each other.
"Do you want to know more about your dad? Yes or no?"
"I do." I had to know. What he was like. If things would have been different if he was around. "Do I have to apologize to Jeremy?"
Mr. Atkins smiled and patted my shoulder. "Only if you feel like you need to."
"I think I need some more time to calm down and digest before I see him again." I told him truthfully.
"That's fine by me." He smiled at me reassuringly. Almost like I had the right answer. Or more like, I couldn't be wrong no matter what I decided on.