Mr. Atkins looked at his son with a solem expression. Then to me. I straightened up. Mr. Atkins shook his head. "You boys..." He sighed. "If you wanted to talk about this, we could have talked about this at the dinner table with the whole family." He looked me in the eyes. "Is this why you wanted to see Dr. Moore?"
I swallowed harder than normal. "A part of it. I like coming here because I feel better when I leave. But also because of this. We tried getting Kyle to spill on what was being hidden because I heard that it may upset me. But then on Tuesday, Zeke told me that it was just a search for my dad."
"Is that all Zeke told you?" He asked.
"Why? Is there something else?" Noah jumped in, eyes narrowed.
Mr. Atkins and Dr. Moore shared a look.
"Not just yet." Mr. Atkins conceded. "We'll let you know when we know more."
Noah frowned. "That's what I'm talking about, Dad."
"Let's address the anger you have towards him for telling the twins about the search, but not you." Dr. Moore redirected. "Wayne, why don't you explain your thoughts on the matter?"
Wayne looked at the both of us. "I'm sorry boys. I knew you would get upset over the search. But you know, it's not like we're trying to get rid of you, Jake. As foster parents, we have to do what's right, even if it means that it's something we don't want to do." I nodded. I already understood that this wasn't their idea. "As for the twins knowing before you two, that's on me. I didn't think too much about it besides the search upsetting you two. And the gift was just because I thought it was a cool idea."
"I want a gift too then." Noah folded his arms across his chest. "And if you tell me it was part of an early birthday gift, then I don't want to see them getting something just as big again."
"Noah, aren't you being a little bit petty?" Mr. Atkins looked helpless. "This wasn't just a gift to the twins. You, Jake, and Zeke can use it as well. It's just geared more to helping pitchers. I do what I can to help you boys in your quest to be better players. If you told me you needed a glove or bat, wouldn't I get you one?"
Noah uncrossed his arms and shrugged sheepishly. "The timing was just very suspicious, Dad. You tell them to keep a secret and then get them a gift."
"Good." Dr. Moore nodded. "I'm glad you were able to convey your misgivings, Noah. On that note, I hope you don't blame your parents too much when they're trying their best. It would hurt their feelings. As I said, it was my idea for your mom to take a look." He looked to me. "Jake? How do you feel about this?"
I blinked. "I'm okay."
"With looking for your dad?"
I felt a little shy as all eyes were on me. "Well, yea... I already talked to Zeke about it. Just because you find him, doesn't mean that he'll want me." I paused before saying, "I've come to terms with being left behind by him. He didn't want me. So I don't want him."
"Oh, Jake, you can't think that way." Mr. Atkins was quick to try and make me feel better. But I wasn't down about it. It's just the way things are.
"Jake, you can't be too sure that he didn't want you. There could have been obstacles in his way. You were so young when he left." Dr. Moore explained.
But I was sure. Because, where was he now? Why couldn't he be found when I had spent months in the hospital and rehab? He never came back. Neither did my brother. He must have been satisfied with that one son and just gave me away to the devil.
"Jake?" Dr. Moore dragged me out of my thoughts. "What is it? Say what's on your mind."
I rather not. It would just make me seem more pitiful. I shrugged instead. "It's nothing. I like where I'm at right now."
This time it was Dr. Moore's turn to blink in surprise. "Where you're at? Like physically with the Atkins? Or psychologically with your thoughts?"
"Both, I guess." I shrugged again. "Everything feels fine right now. If I could, I would want to push pause. Nothing hurts me here, physically or mentally. I'm feeling okay. Even when there was the thought of the Atkins keeping a secret from me, I wasn't too stressed. They must have their reasons."
Dr. Moore nodded and made some notes. "I'm happy to hear that, Jake. You really have improved. Just looking back on the last month, where you hardly spoke at all to now, I'm impressed. I hope to keep helping you on your path until you feel like you don't need me anymore."
Don't need? "It's okay, I like it here." I told him. I wasn't ready to give up seeing Dr. Moore. I still remember how he had my back when that mean counselor had verbally attacked me.
Dr. Moore gave a smile and a nod. Then we moved on to talking about my grades and my social interactions with my teammates.
"Try to reach out some more." He told me after hearing that I mostly interact with the Atkins. "You're already feeling comfortable with the Atkins so keep pushing yourself out of the comfort zone. Being on a team is really advantageous and gives you a head start on making more friends and connections."
"Teammates aren't already friends..?" I asked, feeling a little down. I thought I was progressing leaps and bounds.
"Not always." Noah was actually the one to respond. I tilted my head in order to look at my friend beside me. "Being teammates can bring you together, but it won't always means that you'll be friends when the season ends. A friend is someone that you can trust and will be there to help you up if you fall. Can you imagine Chris being there for you if baseball ended today?"
I shook my head. No way. Not Chris. I'd be lucky if he didn't glare at me.
"Noah's right." Dr. Moore added. "Slightly pessimistic, but he has the right idea. Being on the same team will help you work on your bonds and strengthening them. After the season, those bonds will be put to the test." He looked at Noah. "Has something like this happened to you?"
Noah's face darkened. "Kind of. I found out the hard way that being teammates doesn't always mean being friends."
I thought back to the fact that Noah didn't talk or hang out with the other freshmen. This might have been a sensitive topic.
"That's nothing to feel ashamed or mad about." Dr. Moore tried to comfort him. "These things happen. People don't stay friends forever except with few exceptions. Don't stress over the little things."
"No one said I was stressing." Noah stated firmly.
An awkward silence fell upon the room.
Dr. Moore cleared his throat and directed his attention back at me. "Just reach out more. Not just to get help, but to help. Kindness goes a long way in making friends."
Somehow hearing that, while knowing what happened to Noah, didn't really inspire me. Noah is a great friend and the nicest person I know, yet here he is, ostracized from the other baseball freshmen.
