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Translator: thursdays Editor: Yahiko PR: LightBrin
The director of the orphanage where I grew up was, no matter how you worded it, a distant man.
The children of the orphanage complained about it.
-He’s too careless. All of our birthdays are on January 1st, y’know?
-It’s because he doesn’t want to deal with having more than one birthday party.
-Also, my name is so shoddy. Kim Mengja.[1]
-Hey, at least you guys’ names sound natural with our last name. I’m Kim Hanbija… He should have just named me Han Bija.[2]
I thought the same way. I thought so even after I entered the Tower.
But I met a lot of people—the Sword Emperor, Master, Raviel, and many more, and I have second thoughts.
-Director, why are you like this?
It was weird, but the man always seemed to be overly on guard against saying that he loved us.
-Director, don’t you love us?
The conversation I had with the director on the day I received my second-hand middle school uniform came to mind.
The director made a solemn face at my question and said he would tell me tomorrow. He always delayed his responses to serious questions, telling us to wait a day.
Then, he replied.
-You asked me yesterday why I don’t treasure you kids a little more.
-Yes…
As the day went on, I felt a little sorry for asking such a question. But, the director didn’t care for my apologetic feelings and told me the answer he had prepared the day before.
-Gongja. It’s easy for people to pretend. Pretending is the easiest thing in the world. You can pretend to be smart, to be strong, to be friendly, or to know something well… You too put on an act with your friends, don’t you? It’s the same for me, who named you children after sages. All adults pretend.
The director rubbed his face with his hands.
-Everyone wears masks. You don’t need to get rid of the mask, but if you get too used to it, at some point, you forget that you’re wearing the mask. It slips your mind. You become drunk on the pretense.
The director stared at my face solemnly.
He was gauging my reaction, seeing if I was following along.
-Imagine this. If I get irritated in front of you children, what would you think?
-Uhh… You were stressed today…?
-Yes. That’s right.
The director wore a bitter smile.
-I’m sorry. I do get angry sometimes.
He got irritated about once a month.
-Anyway, what’s important is that I get annoyed by you kids sometimes, and you know that fact well. Right? I am such a person. You know me.
The director continued.
-However, what if I were someone who always loved you? What if I always told you that I love you, smile and say that you are the purpose of my life, and hug you and say that I treasure you kids more than anything? What if I were that sort of person, but I still got annoyed at you once a year or so?
The director shook his head.
-Then, you will think, [Why is the director angry with us?] You wouldn’t be able to understand because you believe that I’m someone who loves you the most. [If the director loves us the most, why does he get angry?]
-……
-You guys are still young. So in the end, you’ll arrive at the simplest answer. [Ah, I must have done something wrong].
The director shuddered a little.
-Gongja, even if I only yell at you once a year, in ten years, it would be ten times. Say that you only remember half of that, so five. The memories from these five times are more than enough to affect a person’s character.
Then, the director was silent for a while.
-Don’t.
The director muttered.
-Remember me as someone who is irritable and gets stressed easily. Think of me as someone who can’t be bothered to throw you all birthday parties. That’s the truth. Don’t blame yourselves. You haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t get twisted because of a guy like me.
-……
-You kids can grow up strong. Be as strong as you can.
In the director’s office, there was a printed sheet of paper on the wall. It was right across from the director’s desk, so it melded with the background. It was something that was always there, like wallpaper or floor patterns.
But that day, I looked at the paper.
+
For all people to live as humans,
Based on a belief in human dignity and social justice,
Join with individuals · families · groups · organizations · communities · and all of society.
I will always stand on the side of the marginalized and the suffering,
Defending their human rights and interests,
Rejecting injustice and corruption in society,
Putting public interests before personal ones.
By following the social worker’s code of ethics,
I commit to being a social worker with morality and accountability.
With my free will, I solemnly swear on my honor.
+
[3]
I looked at the director.
-……
The director looked stonily into the air like he was lost in thought.
Black eyes.
His eyes were burned into my memory.
2.
“I’m sorry, Raviel. I can’t go home with you today,” I said, standing at the school gate.
“Mm.”
Raviel looked at me. Her gaze slowly dropped to my hand.
There was another hand there as well.
“……“
It was the hand of Constellation Killer.
I had grabbed the Constellation Killer’s hand and dragged him all the way here. He didn’t ask why I was holding his hand or where we were going.
He just meekly kept his head down.
“…My boyfriend sometimes acts in bizarre ways. The way you act is almost a mystery. I think that side of you is amazing,” Raviel murmured. “Do as you wish. Follow your heart. Is there anything I can help you with?”
“Not now, but if I need help, I’ll tell you right away.”
“I believe in you. Always.”
Raviel kissed me on my forehead. Then, without hesitation, she turned around and entered her limo. The limousine was driven by a butler who resembled the grand chamberlain, and they soon disappeared down the road.
“Now.”
I looked back at the Constellation Killer.
“Let’s go.”
“…Where to?”
“To your house.”
“……”
The Constellation Killer hesitated for the first time. He seemed to shudder, but I was adamant. First, I would visit the Constellation Killer’s parents and apologize.
‘Though, I don’t know where to start untangling this knot.’
Of course, the apology wouldn’t end the [trauma]. It couldn’t be resolved so easily. As the difficulty increased, it seemed that the trauma became a stage I needed to clear.
‘For now, I’ll do what I can, one step at a time.’
Like I always did.
However, my attempts to resolve the trauma were thwarted from the start.
“…It’s here.”
I was speechless when I saw the [house] the Constellation Killer led me to.
It was a garbage dump.
At the foot of a mountain, there was an empty lot where the pine trees were scarce. This clearing acted as a small dump for the city. Plastic bottles, dirty styrofoam, and crumpled paper that the city’s people discarded were piled up messily.
In the middle, there was a shack.
[■■ lives in a dump. The indoor shoes and the school uniforms are all recyclable. The only trash that can’t be recycled is ■■.]
My head throbbed.
I thought the text was just being spiteful.
Bastards.
“How about your parents? Are they working?”
The shack was not a haven but a shelter. The wall did not reach up the roof, so there was a gap. The roof was covered with gray vinyl.
“My father collects and sells junk.”
Plastic trash surrounded the shack like a moat. The labels on the plastic surrounding the shack were torn off, unlike the other trash around.
They were clean.
Perhaps that was why the shack looked like it was floating on a sandy beach made of white plastic.
“How about your mother?”
“I don’t have one.”
“……”
All right.
“Are you ■■’s friend?”
We waited for two hours before the Constellation Killer’s father returned home. He was a poor man. But he was a man who had been crushed more by life than by poverty. I could see it as soon as I saw him.
A small room.
Sometimes when I looked in the mirror, I was like that.
“No. I’m not his friend.”
“Hm…?”
The old man furrowed his eyebrows. He looked too old to have a child in high school.
His face resembled the face of the old boatman whose trauma I saw in [The Chronicles of the Heavenly Demon].
“I am the one who hit and bullied this boy.”
“Umm…?”
The old man blankly blinked his eyes.
“……”
I realized it one minute after I started talking to the old man.
‘I’m late.’
It was already too late.
The old man in front of him was already worn out. His heart was running on fumes. He was different from me when I lived in the small room. That was the difference between me from back then and this man.
I didn’t know where this difference came from.
“Here is the evidence. If you look at the cell phone, there are text messages. See this…”
There was only one thing I was certain of.
This man didn’t have the power to take responsibility for the Constellation Killer.
“Hmm.”
I showed him everything I could show him right away. After seeing the hell that his child had been enduring, the old man continued to blink his eyes indifferently.
“I see…”
All he did was look at me.
When I finished talking, the old man stopped his dull replies and assents. It felt like the conversation had ended. The old man just waited to see if I had anything else to say, but he did not seem to want me to say anything either.
He had nothing to say to me.
‘Um.’
I looked at how the Constellation Killer was doing. The Constellation Killer was not looking at his father. His face did not seem shocked or offended by the conversation just now. A blank expression. The Constellation Killer sat quietly on the floor.
Like he was just letting things play out naturally.
‘That’s right.’
It was like this.
“I’ve done many bad things.”
I stood up and bowed deeply to the old man.
“If you are all right with it, I would like to stay with your child for a while. I want to invite him to my house. Is that acceptable?”
“Go ahead…”
It was obvious that the old man did not understand what I was saying. He was powerless. But I explained it many times over, not for the old man’s but for the Constellation Killer’s sake.
“He may be staying at my house for a bit longer. A week, maybe a month. It might be even longer than that. Every weekend, on Saturday evening, I’ll visit you and tell you how your child is doing. Sir, is that all right?”
“Fine. It’s all right.”
Good.
I turned and faced the Constellation Killer.
“Let’s go.”
“……”
“Pack what you need. As I told your father, you’ll be staying at my house for a while.”
The Constellation Killer looked up at me in bewilderment.
“What are you up to now?”
The Constellation Killer wasn’t speaking politely anymore.
“Are you trying to tidy up your past since you’re going to marry a rich girl? Are you worried it’ll cause problems later? That’s smart.”
My heart thumped.
“Or is this a new game you cooked up? If you want to play, just tell me what you want. Tell me what kind of game this is. Don’t beat around the bush. I’ll play along like always. Do you want me to go to the schoolyard at night?”
The Constellation Killer’s voice was cold. There was no inflection. It was the voice of a person who had decided to die the next day.
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you insane? You are. Kim Gongja.”
“Please just give me a day. I beg you. I’ll do whatever I can. Please endure it for one more day.”
“……”
It was just one of the many days I had left to live, but for the person in front of me, it was his final day.
I had no choice but to hope. I had to ask for it. There was nothing I could do other than hope and ask.
“Do it yourself… Whatever you want.”
The Constellation Killer muttered like he was exhausted.
I grabbed the Constellation Killer’s wrist and headed [home]. Since I didn’t know the way from here, we had to return to school and head over from there. We arrived at the residential area only after the sun had set and the sky turned dark.
“Please wait here for a moment.”
“I’ll come back soon. Within 20 minutes. Will you wait for me?”
“I told you, do what you want…”
I left the Constellation Killer on the street and entered my house first.
“Oh.”
Bae Hu-ryeong was out in the yard. He held a glass of whiskey in his hand like he was observing the night sky by himself.
“Welcome back, son. You’re a little late today. Keh. You weren’t off playing because you have a girlfriend now, were you? I’m telling you, you should start dating seriously after you graduate from high school. It’s no good to step on the pedal and rush a relationship.”
The Sword Emperor. My partner.
The person who taught me how to face forward.
In this world, my—
“Father.”
“…Yeah?”
Bae Hu-ryeong blinked.
“Huh, it’s sort of weird. Why is that? It feels a little weird that you’re calling me your father. Or rather than being a little weird, it’s really awkward… Like I’m getting goosebumps. How scary. Ah, is it because I’m drunk?”
“Father.”
I called him one more time.
“You couldn’t have raised me like this.”
“What?”
“The father I know is a great man. A scary man. He may seem like a psychopath who only cares about himself, and to an extent, he is, but he would definitely take care of something if he thinks it is wrong.”
Bae Hu-ryeong creased his brows.
“What are you talking about… son?”
“If you are my father, I would never grow up to be a bully. I may go down the wrong path, but you would beat me up before I went too far. You’d bring me back to the right path even if you have to kill me halfway to do it.”
That was the type of person he was.
“Even more, when I was tormenting a weak child… Even driving him to suicide. That.”
『Ignore the people who’re making a fuss about it.』
『They’re just keyboard warriors who would never make a peep if in person.』
『Hmph. Those guys should just have their fingers cut off.』
“That is something you’d never say. You’re simply not a person who can say that. You’re someone who sees someone in distress and swears that you will teach them how to be happy.”
“……”
“I’m the kind of person you despise the most. You can’t kindly call someone like me [son]. It’s impossible. This world is an impossible world.”
Silence fell upon the night sky.
In the yard where no sounds of bugs could be heard, I looked straight at Bae Hu-ryeong.
I continued.
“You are not the Sword Emperor.”
“……”
“Get lost. Get out of my sight right now.”
That moment.
-■■■■■.
Bae Hu-ryeong’s body crumbled away.
The skin dripped away. Bones melted. The clothing material evaporated. When I closed my eyes and opened them again, there was something of which I could not see the shape. There was just a sinuous shadow, like a ghost.
-■■■■, ■■…
I couldn’t understand what it was saying. I couldn’t even recognize its face. However, I knew that it was the naked face of [my father].
It was the naked face of this world.
“……”
I passed by Bae Hu-ryeong and entered the house.
“Welcome back, Gongja.”
Master was sitting on the living room sofa.
A face and form that I thought I would never see again.
“How was school, my son?”
Master was smiling gently.
~~~
[1]: Mengja is the Korean name of Mencius, another Chinese philosopher.
[2]: Hanbiza is Han Feizi.
[3]: The Korean social workers’ oath. I couldn’t find an official translation for it, so here’s my take.