33. Ties and bonds1
「Children who were abandoned by their family…strongly endures aren’t they? You need your heart to be more durable…」
Natou-senpai spoke sadly
「But…A child who can endure an unbearable situation, is abnormal as expected」
「You see, humans say 『I’m lonely!』when they’re sad, say 『It hurts』when they’re in pain, 『I don’t want it』when they don’t like something, they say 『I’m hungry』when they’re hungry, If they don’t have someone to tell their feelings honestly…when enduring it has become normal, their hearts would be numb as expected! They’d go crazy!」
「…Then, they’ll break」
「Just like you!」
「…Just like us」
Margo-san and Natou-senpai’s eyes were lonely…
…Err
…I
…I see, I’m broken…
「It seems that you haven’t noticed it yourself?」
Margo-san smiled wryly.
「Y-Yes…I’m sorry」
「You have three symptoms showing up…First is what you just said, 『Not refusing whatever is instructed』」
「Of course, in Yoshida-chan’s case, it’s only the 『People who you think you like』!」
「You calmly accept the possibility that your body or environment would be hurt in the future. You’re not hesitating on the possibility that you yourself would suffer a loss…!」
「In other words you see, you don’t have anything!」
I…don’t have anything?
「Normal people you see, thinks of their current self, what composes him as a human as very important. That’s why, they’d protect that above everything!」
「Their own dream, or their hopes for future, a beloved family, or friends…」
「But you see, Yoshida-chan doesn’t have any of those!」
「…That’s why you can move your body calmly in such a dangerous situation. You don’t have any fear of losing the current environment or your hope for the future…」
「Yoshida-chan…you normally think that 『I don’t care what happens from now on. No one would be troubled even if I die』…don’t you?」
「You’re nihilistic…or should I say that you’re already at the farthest point of despair…」
Certainly…I live with that kind of feeling.
There’s no way my life would be happy ahead of this…
Having sex with Yukino is probably my highest point in life.
And…This shouldn’t continue forever.
It’s special case right now and there’s now way this will continue…
There’s no way for me to be always lucky happy.
I’ll get caught by the police eventually…or get killed by Endou.
Or maybe Yukino…
The remainder of my life will surely be miserable…
I’ll just writhe and die in the depths of despair…
But, that’s fine…
In exchange…I was able to embrace Yukino…!!
I have no regrets…!
「…Well, I have the same symptoms after all!」
…Natou-senpai?
「…Me too」
…Margo-san too
「You see…I can go and walk around the place in Tokyo where there’s a lot of people, naked and pee there when Yuzuki-sensei orders me! I don’t care even if it’s broadcasted worldwide…Because, I don’t care about my future anymore already」
「Me too…I can hurt anyone as long as Sensei orders me. I won’t hesitate to kill either. Even if it’s the president of America…as I don’t care about my life anyway」
「If I say in reverse…I can somehow live by having Yuzuki-sensei take out various orders…!」
「Right…I don’t have any will to do anything. I don’t care about anything at all. There’s nothing important to me at all…!」
「…Yoshida-chan’s the same right?!」
…Natou-senpai smiled gently.
「No…Yoshida-kun’s case is 『Break』is much more intense than us. It shows remarkably on the second symptom…!」
Margo-san looked at me…
Like a scientist who’s experimenting…
「…You don’t tell a lie…to anyone 」
…Eh?!
「No…Uhm, even I can tell a lie!」
Margo-san swing her neck from my rebuttal.
「You…have you ever lied to me or Nei?」
「No, but that’s…there’s not a day passing yet…」
「…Usual boys would lie a lot for the first time they met me. They arrange words without their mind on it. They talk about their grandiose pride, or try to make me laugh with such a made up lie…Yoshida-chan never did that at all」
「…That’s because…I don’t have anything I can be proud of…Isn’t my story such uninteresting?」
「You’re very interesting…Everything that you’re thinking shows on your face. You don’t hide a thing at all」
「Really! A child who can’t lie, right?!」
「Even if you tried to lie, everyone would know that it’s a lie immediately…Thus your lies won’t be able to pass…」
「Or rather…wouldn’t Yoshida-chan’s face show up 『Sorry, I lied』on his face if he lied?!」
Haa…Speaking of which, It might be.
Because I’m dull and bad at lying, I thought that my words don’t come out immediately but…Certainly, I notice that 『This is a lie』by myself.
「A person who doesn’t lie is afraid that other people might lie to them! They don’t want to hear other people’s lies so in projection, they force themselves to not lie to other people!」
「…Haha」a strange laugh leaks out of my mouth…
「…I’m a completely broken guy…!」
「That’s right…You’re 『Broken』 That’s why, the third symptom is a problem…!」
…Third?
「Yoshida-chan, Why are you so deeply attached to Shirasaka Yukino?」
…Y-Yukino?
…Attachment?!
「You do know that it’s not love isn’t it?」
…That’s right, this isn’t love.
…I don’t think that Yukino would come to like me from the beginning.
「…For example, have you imagined the two of you watching a movie, going to karaoke, or going into town to buy clothes?」
…That’s.
「…I-I can’t」
There’s no way I can.
A man like me…going out on a date with someone like Yukino…!!
「Right? That’s not serious love isn’t it?!」
…That’s right, an honest love can’t be formed between me and Yukino.
…That’s why I raped Yukino!
「…And yet, why did you rape that child?」
…???!!!
「Normal people won’t rape people they love! They would wish for their happiness!…Even if that child won’t go out with themselves!」
…T-That’s.
…I think it is!!
「…When you heard that she had a boyfriend…Yoshida-chan wasn’t able to endure it, did you? You raped her forcibly and wanted her to be yours…!」
「But…No matter how many times you rape her, she’ll never become yours…」
「That’s why, as the number of sexual intercourse increases, the contents escalates steadily too!」
…………！！！！
「Why are you so obsessed with Shirasaka Yukino?…You should think about it at least once…!」
…That’s!
「…That’s, uhm…I like Yukino! That’s why…!」
「…Yoshida-chan, what do you know about her? Do you know what kind of food she likes? Do you know her hobbies?…You’re not interested in those right?!」
…Natou-senpai?
「…You liked her body or her face?!」
…Margo-san?
「…T-That’s not it. That’s not…really it, I do like Yukino! It’s no good if it’s not Yukino!!」
「I told you…it’s called obsession…!」
「In the first place, Yoshida-chan…do you even know what’s romantic love(恋) or desire(愛)?」
…I don’t know.
…Probably.
…Romantic love or Desire.
「Why don’t you organize your thoughts first?! Yoshida-chan, have you thought of wanting to have sex with me?」
Natou-senpai made a pose presenting her outstanding figure to me.
「…T-That’s」
「Answer honestly! If I pressed saying 『I want to be embraced by Yoshida-chan!』would you have sex with me?」
「Perhaps…I will. Natou-senpai’s charming after all…!」
「Thanks!……But you see, when we’re already both naked and at the time when you’re about to put your penis in, then I would whine saying 『Let’s stop!』…What would you do? Your penis is already rock hard, it’s in a helpless state! 」
「…Perhaps, I’d give up」
「…You’re fine stopping sex?」
「…Yes」
「……………………Why？！！！」
No…You don’t have to be that angry
「I’m not angry!…I’m surprised! I’m shocked!!」
…What
「Nei, you’re too agitated. Yoshida-kun…what it’s not Nei but『Her』, what would you do? Would you give up midway sex?」
『Her』…Shirasaka Yukino
If Yukino suddenly refused in the middle of the sex…!
「No…Perhaps, I won’t be able to endure it」
I…Would still continue by force.
「Right. If it’s you, you would still force to have sex no matter how much she cry or beg. You even made it this far…」
That’s right…That’s how I raped Yukino…
「Then, why were you able to hold back when it was Nei? Does Nei have less sex appeal than her?」
「Mu…That’s rude Maru-chan!」
「Sorry sorry, that’s a joke of course…!」
That’s right…Natou-senpai has a stronger sex appeal than Yukino…
Blond beauty…
She has deep clear features carved that are more beautiful than Yukino…
Even her proportion is men’s ideal for an 18 year old girl.
Simply comparing them as women, Natou-senpai would win against Yukino…
「…In short, you’re not a sex maniac. You have it different from the pure sexual desire, you desire Shirasaka Yukino…!
「To be honest…Yoshida-chan, what would you like to happen to that girl?」
Yukino…『What do I want to happen』…?!!
「…Do you want to go out with her as a lover?」
…Impossible. That is.
「…Do you wan to marry and have a happy family with her?!」
…I can’t do that!!
「…Do you want to eat lunch with her and talk happpily?」
…No good. I don’t know what I should talk about with Yukino…!
…Rather than that Yukinoi would never want to talk to me!!
…There’s no topic we can talk happily…!!
…I’m startled.
…I shivered.
I…can’t spend daily life with Yukino…!
「That’s why…you can only make contact with her in the worst form of rape.」
「Uun…Rather, since you know that rape is the worst way for communication, you went to it」
…That’s no good.
…I’m the worst.
「…I thought that I wanted to continue raping Yukino for as long as possible… Of course, I think that it’s impossible to be forever…I might get caught, die…I know that the end would come eventually… But…I want to continue embracing Yukino forever and ever…!! Aaah, what’s with me?!! What’s with me?!!!! I’m the worst…This is…!!」
I don’t even understand myself…!!
Anyway…I understood that I’ve done something terrible to Yukino…
「I think that your heart is helplessly obsessed with 『The girl named Shirasaka Yukino』as a compensation act of releasing all of your negative part as a human being… Why has she become the target, you’re the only one who can understand that…!」
I…am obsessed with Yukino to relieve the stress in my heart…?!
「…It seems to be the only one」
「But…I really like Yukino!」
「I told you…That’s not romantic love!」
「Nei…Shut up for a moment…!」
Margo-san stops Natou-senpai…
「Could I ask another thing…? You’re in a sinking ship right now. A rescue boat arrives but there’s only one other person that can be helped… It would be you, Nei, and 『Her』, who would you save…?!」
「…I’ll save the two and I’ll die」
I answered immediately…
「Sorry…My way of asking was bad. It’s already certain that you will die by drowning and there’s only one of the two that can be saved, who would you save?」
…I was lost in thought for ten seconds.
「…Natou-senpai. I think I want Senpai to survive…!」
That’s my honest feelings.
「…Shirasaka Yukino doesn’t need saving」
「…Yes」
Even I am surprised.
I’m shocked…
I…don’t love Yukino…
「It seems that you understood the difference of love and obsession」
But…If so, just what are my thoughts about Yukino?!!
I…Why do I want Yukino?!
Why do I want to monopolize Yukino…!!
…My heart’s beating fast
.…I feel dizzy.
…I feel my stomach getting sick…!
「Calm down Yoshida-chan!…It’s fine! It’s not that we’re persecuting Yoshida-chan…!」
「Yeah…Nei and Me…are just seeking if you have the same 『Dangerous darkness』in your mind! And make you aware of it!」
「That’s why, we now know Yoshida-chan’s current state…!」
「We’ve passed through what you’re experiencing right now…!」
「That’s right, I’m Yoshida-chan’s senpai! I’m your Onee-chan!」
…Natou-senpai…?!
…Margo-san…?!
「Your 『Obsession』is another type of 『Darkness』…」
「We also can’t escape from our own 『Darkness』…!!」
…Both of them are my senpai?2
「…In my case…I’m attacked by a terrible destruction impulse multiple times every month. I can’t help but to hurt someone unrelated, an unknown person…!」
Margo-san confesses with a pained expression…
「…Could that be like last night?」
「Last night was different…Last night’s patrol was an irregular to check Yoshida-chan」
「…My real 『Hunger State』isn’t like that…」
「…Preventing the enemy from moving and then continuing to gradually torment them…!」
「The impulse won’t stop for several hours…!」
Margo-san grips her fist with power…!
Perhaps…the cursed fist bathed in a lot of people’s blood.
「This impulse can’t be cancelled with just normal sports or martial arts…I don’t fight with people stronger than myself. I want to torment people weaker than me…I want to do nothing but bully them…!」
Margo-san…has a dark smile.
「…You see, I want to set fire. I want to see big fires… I want to burn all!」
I recalled the burning car last night…
That’s right…Natou-senpai’s eyes looking at the flame were abnormal…
「…Katsuko-san is suffering from the impulse of wanting to be raped intensely by a man…!」
…Rape wish?
…Katsuko-san?
「Katsun’s sexual impulse is the same as self harm…!」
「…That person thinks of sex as suicide. Forcibly raped by men repeatedly…she wants to be killed by sex…」
「Katsun…even though she’s having a hard time to deal with sex…」
「She’s mentally unstable, a danger…Thus Yuzuki-sensei observes Katsuko-san’s state continuously」
…So that’s why Katsuko-san is a maid in Sensei’s house.
Actually, Sensei’s the one watching over Katsuko-san…!
「Right now, 『I want to open a bakery in the future』is the fake wish Yuzuki-sensei gave her so she’s quite stable…」
「Un… if Katsun stopped making bread, she’d go mad, I’m sure…!」
…Fake wish
…A constructed hope
That’s why Katsuko-san’s immersing herself on making bread.
「Yuzuki-sensei herself is also carrying her own 『Sorrowful darkness』」
…Eh?
「That person has making other people unhappy as her reason for living…」
「But actually, Sensei is thinking that 『herself should be unhappy』… 」
「But, that 『Dark belief』is being swallowed everyday…!」
「She’s creates a lot of schemes every day to make herself unhappy…!」
「As a result, she has gathered children with high risk just like as who is a similar existence as herself…!」
「…Sensei’s wishing for 『Destruction』! Social, human, including everything that one holds since born…!」
「But, that person’s ability is too high. If she can’t do 『Destruction』anywhere…Sensei would spread out her 『Dark world』steadily」
「…Sensei is going to change this school into 『Hell』…!」
…That’s right.
…When I first met her.
…Sensei said that!!!
『I’ll make this school hell』…!!
「…Everyone of us have a psychological disorder. We can’t live with a normal person. Hurting other people, making them unhappy…it’ll crush one’s heart」
「…Un. The dark part of your mind has to be set free! You have to We’re cursed after all! We’re living like vampires who victimize other people…!」
「…But, Yuzuki-sensei said that we have worth in living」
「This world has has the law of the jungle! We’re born to prey on other people, raised…and as a result, we’ve been distorted in this way…!」
「Even we…have the right even if we victimize someone. Even demons, devils, are born and have the right to live…! That’s what Sensei taught us…!」
「『You’ll live as my own victim and you should live with me as your victim』…!」
「『Just like how I’m living by eating other sinless people, you should live by victimizing other people too. I’ll be the one to forgive your sins. My sins will be forgiven by the devil』…!」
「That’s why it’s fine…I’ll hit someone who’s innocent once I can’t endure it! I’ll hit because I want to…and yet, I’ll live!」
「Even me…if I’m not able to endure it anymore, I’ll burn something! I’ll burn everything! But I’ll live! I’ll keep on living…!」
…Just what are their pasts?
Perhaps it’s a lot of sorrow, sadness, and hate…
Because of someone heartless…these girls have lost their choice on their way of life…
That’s not just for Natou-senpai and Margo-san.
Yuzuki-sensei too, Katsuko-san too, and Iwakura-kaichou too…
…And then, me.
I…will I know their story someday?
I…will I talk about myself to these people?
…I don’t know for now.
「Yoshida-chan…you’re in the 『same family』 as us. You’re accepted as the『seventh』…!」
「Me too…I’ll be Yoshida-chan’s onee-chan!」
Still…the two senpai have accepted me for the time being…
「If ever your libido isn’t enough for only just Shirasaka Yukino…you can use my body anytime…I’ll meet any of your demands」
「Ah…Of course, even Onee-chan can give her virginity to you! I’ll do anything!」
「If ever you want to rape another woman, just tell us…I’ll make her faint and bring her to you…!」
「Geez, Maru-chan…Don’t resort to violence, Yuzuki-sensei or I can just trick them to come. Katsun’s there too…!」
「…In exchange, cooperate with us!」
「Un…I want us to be together and do a lot of 『Bad things』…!」
「Hurt people who’re innocent, dirty their minds…to clear out the darkness in our hearts…!」
「Let’s do a lot of terrible things…I’m sure it’s fun!」
「Yeah, Let’s be together as much as possible…!」
「…You’re our『companion』!!」
…I
…I
My answer has come out a long time ago.
I…am the same as these people…
Hurting normal people to please the darkness in my heart…
…『Devil』
「…Best regards!」
Natou-senpai’s face is wrapped in delight…!
Margo-san showed her white teeth too…!
…They’re the same as me.
…I don’t think this will continue for all the time.
…Still,I’d want to continue to taste the joy of hell for as long as possibile…!
Remodel the school building…
Gather the problem students…
Then…continue to bring trouble by oneself…!
Very well…I’ll become one of those 『Devils』
A made 『Companions』…for the first time in my life.
…I’m glad.
…I’m really glad.
…But
Yukino…?
What would happen to her after this…?!
◇ ◇ ◇
Afterwards…I talked to Natou-senpai and Margo-san while eating the remainder of the bread.
It’s not a scary talk anymore.
It’s not the story of the past or about the darkness of the heart anymore.
Just some foolish conversations…
『Friend』-like…
Like the story of Katsuko-san failed mail order of a cooking tool…
Or Margo-san teaching children martial arts twice a week…
Or Natou-senpai’s brand of cosmetics she’s using…
「Yo-chan…you should be changing that ‘Natou-senpai’ soon…!」
「Eh…Then, what should I call you then?!」
「…I want you to call me『Onee-chan』!」
「…That’s a bit」
「What?…Embarrassed?!」
「…Yes」
「Then 『Nei-chan』is fine. It sounds like 『Onee-chan』after all…!」
「T-That’s the same…!」
「…You don’t want to?!」
Please don’t glare at me!!
「『Nei-san』…Is that still no good?」
「Eh, that feels so formal!」
「But…You’re older, and a senpai…!!」
「『Nei-san』, 『Nei-san』, 『Nei-san』, 『Nee-san』, 『Nee-san』3…Well, that evolves to there! I’ll allow it for now!」
…Haa
「…You see, Nei had a little brother」
Margo-san muttered.
…『Had』?!
「…He died, ehehe」
…Shit
Nei-san’s eyes has tears accumulating…
「Sorry…that was a taboo」
Margo-san apologized in a hurry…
「Geez…I remembered it because of Maru-chan…!!」
…Shit
She’ll cry if this continues!!
…I tried to change the talk in a hurry.
「Oh right, Can…I call Margo-san 『Maru-san』?」
Margo-san’s face stiffened…!
「Yoshida-kun…If you say that again, I’ll crush your balls…!」
I-I’m very sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
While we’re having that talk…the chime for the first lesson’s end sounded.
「…Yo-chan, what would you do? Would you attend the next class…?!」
…What should I do?
It’s troublesome to meet Yukino and Endou…
The people in the class might be having rumors about me…
「I’ll be going back to the mansion soon. I can’t be here since I long graduated from the school after all…!」
Margo-san says so then stood up…
「I intend to stay here but…I can give you at least a fellatio!」
N-Nei-san?!
「…I want to have my virginity taken with everyone looking! I want Katsun to take a photo too. You want a commemorative photo too, right, Yo-chan? 」
T-that’s…certainly.
「That’s why, I’ll give you only fellatio now. Ah, but, It’s my first time giving a fellatio so don’t have a lot of expectations…!
「…Your first time?!」
「Un…I’ve seen a lot of people do it a lot of times so I know the ropes at least…!」
…N-no way!
Nei-san opened her lips and took out her red tongue…
This tongue would lick it…!
「Hey hey, Nei…I think you should get a kiss before doing fellatio」
「Ah, Oh right…I still haven’t given my first kiss yet…!」
…Nei-saaaan!!
When I thought of it…!
The iron door opened suddenly…!!
Appearing from the inside is…
Yamamine-san breathing heavily??!!
「…Yoshida-kun, you’re still here…!」
Yamamine-san runs towards me!
Aside from Nei-san in her uniform…She flinched from the foreigner Margo-san with a scar on her face.
「…Hello. I’m a last year’s graduate. Have you ever heard about the American student Margo Starkweather from anyone?」
「…I know. Good day Senpai」
Like a member of athletic club, yamamine-san politely bowed to Margo-san.
「Un, good day」
Margo-san returned a bow to Yamamine-san too.
「Then…what’s wrong, the second class is about to begin right?」
And when I asked Yamamine-san…
She presented me a bunch of papers with writing on it…
「…T-These are the notes from the first lesson. I also made Yoshida-kun’s copy. If you don’t get something, just ask me…!」
The slit eyes forced a smile…
She’s really a good child.
…A gentle person.
「…Natou-senpai, if you’re finished with your business, please return Yoshida-kun to the classroom. Please…!」
She bowed towards Nei-san deeply…
…For my sake.
1. 33．縁と絆 ↩
2. Once you see that you’re not alone, you’ll feel relieved – Yuzuki-sensei ↩
3. 『寧さん』、『ネイさん』、『ねいさん』、『ねえさん』、『姉さん』 ↩