“Xiaogou, sit.” After Xiaogou docilely sat down in front of a room, I ordered, “I’m going to need a minute, so you can go dig a dog burrow or something.”
“Woof!” Xiaogou ran into the small flower garden.
Since the room to the door was locked and I didn’t want to break it down, I shouted, “A tiger is but a subject to Jade Emperor!”
I heard a sound resembling cups and bowls breaking on the ground before the person inside ran to the door, replying, “This old one is Liu Chiwu!”
“Bajie has two ears.”
“Pushan is sitting in the hall!”
“If there’s a bad boy?”
“Close the doors, and let the dogs out. May I ask who it is?”
“Your big brother.”
I heard the lock on the other side open.
That was the new code I came up with when I was instated as interim manager. “Liu Chiwu” covers the “Liu”. “Pushan” covers “Shan”, and “doors” covers “Men”. There you have Liu Shan Men. Clever, huh? Everyone with Liu Shan Men now uses it. Sadly, I had to get rid of my secret codes once Boss was back, or she’d blitz me.
A domineering, striking daoist pulled open the door, yet I could smell a fraudster right away.
“Empyrean Wuliang!” I teased.
“How may this one help you?” Zha Pi asked in a tone and manner that would pass off as a legitimate elder daoist.
I pulled off my mask, revealing my grin: “Long-time no see, Zha Pi.”
“Y-y-you are finally here! I have been scared for the life of me!”
I have to give you an A+ for acting, then.
Zha Pi pulled me inside: “Thank god you’re finally here, Big Bro! My mind has been screaming at me to run for my precious life day and night ever since I got here, but these people are weirdos. They have every damn spot heavily guarded when I can’t beat a single one of them. When I finally made it to the door one time, some Gui punk pulled me back. I told him I was going to stargaze on the mountain, and the idiot decided to come along to bodyguard me. My goodness me, we climbed a mountain on a freezing night for crying out loud!”
“You did well, comrade. Backup has finally arrived.”
Sobbing, Zha Pi continued, “My life is so harsh, but I kept forging forward. Thankfully, I’ve earned their trust. Besides having lost a bit of freedom, they believe anything I say now, and I get to enjoy VIP treatment.”
You have the luck of the devil to have lasted until now around those elites. You did good, my man. I’ll be sure to… give you more challenging missions from now?
“Do you know where Vice-Captain Shen is?”
Zha Pi looked up, revealing his wet face: “I do. She’s in the courtyard right at the rear.”
“As far as I can recall, you’re pretty far back. Is she nearby?” I focused on my listening but didn’t hear anyone breathing in a room nearby.
“No.” Zha Pi, wagging his hands with a smile, elaborated, “The northwest corner I’m in is actually part of the anterior. Vice-Captain’s room is in the southeast.”
I thought you said you’re receiving VIP treatment. Look at where their female guest is! She’s as far as can be from you! I was wondering why I didn’t see a single servant in sight. They must’ve left you hear alone either because you can’t keep your hands to yourself or think you’re too skilled to need guards. Now I understand why you weren’t exposed. You can’t be exposed when they don’t send anyone to watch over you!
“I swear I’m innocent. I only touched the maid’s bottom because I was trying to read her bones. I only got an under skirt view because I had to pick up money I dropped. I only did those things to give off an enigmatic vibe so that people wouldn’t test me. I swear I’m innocent.”
You think I was born yesterday? Enigmatic? More like attempt to commit a crime! My shifu started passing on that “how to be enigmatic” knowledge from when I was two!
Zha Pi pressed his index fingers together: “Where are our reinforcements, Big Bro?”
“Reinforcements?” I pointed to myself: “Right here, isn’t it?”
“Huh? Just you?! What are we wasting time here for, then?! Let’s go rescue her! Hurry back to call for Qilin Guards, the Emperor’s entourage, Liu Shan Men and eight hundred thousand troops!”
“Eight hundred thousand troops? For this estate?”
“When you fight me, we just play fight. We are now talking about adepts in the martial world. We can’t even provide them with a warm up.”
“Didn’t I help you win last time?”
“This is completely different! I could stomp that old man on my own.”
“He’d bury an army of Zha Pis without breaking a sweat, you clown!”
Biting his finger nails and not listening to me, Zha Pi muttered, “Crap, crap, they’re going to find out what happened now that you’ve stormed the estate so brazenly. We need to run. Wait, running isn’t going to solve anything. Ah, man, I, at least, would have a fifty percent chance of escaping if I was on my own.”
I pointed to myself: “So what? With me here, we have even better odds, don’t we?”
“Although you are slightly stronger and more cunning than me, there is no way we will escape if you are here?”
“Why?”
“Because you are a plague! Oh my god, I just blurted the truth!” Zha Pi covered his mouth.
“… Haha… Haha… I’m a plague am I?” I rolled up my sleeves as I slowly advanced on Zha Pi.
I’ll show you who the boss is around h-
Bang! Five men in black brandished weapons kicked their way in and shouted, “Kill everyone!”
Zha Pi exclaimed, “What did I say?! As soon as you showed up, five men have come for my life!”
Wait, no, I, uh, why the hell is it my fault?!
Glossary
A tiger is but a subject to jade emperor… – there is actually meaning to these phrases, but they’re a code. For instance, that first one means, “Insolence! How dare you aggravate your ancestor?!” That also means, “Not matter how ferocious you may be, you’re still a subservient subject in an Emperor’s presence.” I didn’t translate either way since they’re a code, and it’s no longer a code if I translate what it actually means.