“Bluurgh…”
“Hurk…. Hurk… “
“Crap,” Zeno muttered as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. He leaned against the wall of the toilet cubicle and let out a deep breath.
He was determined to go home and get some uninterrupted sleep. However, he found himself in the restroom, puking the breakfast that Doha had prepared. It was strange since he was sure he didn’t have a stomach bug! Was all of this caused by the rain?
When he was sure he had nothing left to puke, he went out of the cubicle and gargled on the sink.
He washed his face with some water right after and looked at himself in the mirror. He knew it was getting bad because he didn’t even appear flushed now. Instead, he was pale, and his eyes were glazed over.
Zeno shook his head and glanced at his phone, wondering if he should ask someone to pick him up. Leni and Sarang had a gig with Moby, and he didn’t want to call Bobby. He should be with his family at that moment.
With that, he sighed and placed his phone back in his pocket. He ran his fingers through his hair and was about to leave the restroom when suddenly, an equally pale-faced Daeshim PD entered.
The two of them paused when they realized each other’s presence. Then, Zeno bowed his head despite the dizziness he felt.
“You’re still here,” Daeshim PD started off.
Zeno nodded. “I had some… business,” he vaguely said, making the older man chuckle.
He finally relaxed. “Zeno Han,” he said his name, causing Zeno to look at him with inquiring eyes.
A small smirk appeared on Daeshim’s lips. “You really are quite charming,” he said.
Zeno scratched the back of his neck. “I didn’t say anything yet.”
Daeshim chuckled. “Yeah,” he muttered. “It’s strange. You don’t even have to say anything.”
Zeno cleared his throat. He appreciated the old man making a conversation, but his mind was getting hazy. For some reason, despite the many conditions he had experienced in his entire lifetime, fevers were one of his greatest weaknesses.
It was the basic foundation of illness, but why the heck did it feel so annoying? It elicited something in him that he kept buried inside.
“I’m curious,” Daeshim continued, making Zeno purse his lips. Daeshim still wasn’t done.
“What made you start acting?” he asked out of genuine curiosity.
It just seemed so sudden for Daeshim. When his staff had done a background check on his prospects, it seemed that Zeno Han didn’t initially have the desire to act—at least, that was what he had gathered from his profile.
An ordinary school life.
Just got out of the military.
No other jobs connected with acting, too.
What suddenly changed?
Zeno must have been really out of it because before he was even aware of his words, he started telling the truth.
“Me?” he muttered.
“I started acting to become ordinary.”
Daeshim PD’s eyebrows raised in surprise. He wasn’t expecting such a response.
“Ordinary?” he asked before chuckling. “I’m sorry, but there is nothing ordinary about this job.”
“I know,” Zeno said, leaning against the sink in case he fell from dizziness. “It’s strange, isn’t it?”
“Wanting something like that.”
It was hard to understand the real Zeno Han at first. However, as time passed by, he began to understand.
“The state of being in the middle,” he started off. “Not celebrated, not forgotten. Not amazing, not miserable. Just… there.”
Daeshim tilted his head, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“It’s strange, but then it sounded like peace.”
There was a long silence.
“I think most humans unconsciously want to become ordinary. Not to be ‘nothing,’ because that’s empty and lonely. And not to be ‘something’ because that demands too much. Of your body. Of your soul. It takes everything from you.”
He looked up, his eyes meeting Daeshim’s. The old man’s breath got caught in the back of his throat. This young man truly has the skill of doing that.
“To be in the middle, though? That’s balance. That’s breathing without always chasing or running. That’s smiling without performing. That’s… something I’ve never had.”
Daeshim was quiet.
Meanwhile, Zeno’s inner instinct was telling him to stop speaking. However, that damn fever was clouding his mind.
“I guess acting is the closest I could get to it,” he continued.
In his lifetime, that was exactly what Zeno had been doing.
Acting.
Giving other people the lives they wanted. Immersing himself into the role of their lives for a short amount of borrowed time and giving them the life they always wanted right after. He, however, was thrown out of the picture mercilessly without any second thought.
“Because I don’t think I’ve ever been just… me,” he muttered, sounding sadder than he expected.
Oh my. Did fevers bring this out of him? He wanted to get better really quickly! Still, he continued.
“I’ve always been something for someone. I’ve worn so many faces and they all worked.”
“But none of them were mine.”
Daeshim’s lips parted, but no sound came. What could he say to that? The man across from him looked so young, but his eyes held too many lifetimes.
“But why this role?” Daeshim finally asked. He felt that it was truly a shame. “You’re still quite new in the industry. No, you are very new. Why would you take on the main role at this stage of your career?”
Daeshim didn’t know why he was asking such direct questions. However, seeing how the young man had bared his soul in front of him, he also chose to become honest. Zeno Han was truly too good, but there were more factors that came into play when choosing who would play Hajin Yi.
Zeno shrugged. “Because it is what I want,” he answered simply.
Daeshim was once again rendered speechless.
“Of course, I know it isn’t that simple. There are rules in the industry—hierarchies, pay dues, wait your turn. I wish it was simpler, though,” he continued.
“That the best actor would get the role. That the story would be told the way it was written. That talent, not politics, would guide the way. But this world doesn’t move like that. There are always invisible threads tugging people into places they don’t belong.”
“It is something that will never change.”
Then, finally, he admitted, “Still, I guess… I’m doing this now because it makes my heart beat fast.”
He looked down at his hands again.
“It makes me feel something I’ve never felt in my long, long life.”
For once, Daeshim laughed. He laughed out loud, and his voice rang out from the restrooms and out to the hallways. He stepped closer to Zeno and patted his shoulder.
“You’re only 24, young man. You have your whole life ahead of you. There are still other chances.”
Zeno smirked.
Now, he knew that wasn’t the case.
That might be the case for most people, but for Zeno, every chance felt like the last one.