There are times when a person may not remember their actions as they were supposed to be. And there is a really simple explanation for that.
We judge other people by their actions, but we judge ourselves with our intentions.
After all, a person would have no way of knowing what their counterpart is thinking since, in general, they don’t possess the powers of mind reading. Therefore, they can only see their actions as reference material.
But is it the same for themselves? What does one think when looking at themselves? How do we judge ourselves? The answer to this question itself is a revelation to the human psyche. Most of the criminals don’t think they are criminals at all.
A child who is hungry and only wants to fill their stomach wouldn’t necessarily think that their actions are stealing when they or they secretly grabs bread from a bakery and runs away. However, in the eyes of an objective observer, those actions are nothing but stealing, even if the world forces them to do the deed.
Therefore, it had always been pretty easy for humans to ignore their own actions and deem themselves as right.
“For you, wasn’t I just the heir of Emberhearts, just like for everybody else?”
As Irina asked him this question, those thoughts passed through Astron’s head in a split second.
“Someone you can use?”
“Isn’t t-that….true?”
Irina was punching his chest, and even if there was no force behind her fists, it was an act of silent protest. She was pouring the resentment she had felt for the whole day; the accumulated feelings needed something to go away.
“So what?”
After a moment of silence, Astron spoke. Somehow, his words contained a slight anger.
“Huh?”
“So what if it was true? What if I had approached you with the intention of using you? Is it wrong?”
The words suddenly spilled out of his mouth, and Irina couldn’t raise her head. His eyes now contained a strange emotion that she had never felt from him.
“T-that….”
“Are you any different? Do you remember the first time we entered a dungeon? The time when I was ranked last.”
Hearing that, the memory fragments of that time suddenly appeared. Though it wasn’t too long ago, somehow, in this short time, she felt like countless different things happened.
“…..”
“The time when you thought that I was the weakest, someone who didn’t deserve to be on your team? Hadn’t you ignored me back then when I showed the intention to talk to you?”
Then, Irina remembered the time when she first saw him.
‘Ah…I did that….’
At that time, Irina was a lot more different than now. She got irritated more easily, and she was a lot more fiery than she is now. She also thought highly of herself, thinking that the world needed to serve her. She disliked weak people around her, thinking that they would drag her down.
“Did you not judge me based on the value I would present at that time? Seeing my rank, you just chose to ignore me.”
“….”
Irina couldn’t retort back against his words, as they were all true. At that time, she really thought he was useless and deemed him not worthy of her attention. This was her own justification since nobody said she needed to talk to him.
“And then, somehow, your perception of me changed because I revealed my talents slowly. You saw how I was able to see in the dark, how I could see the weakness of the monsters. And then, you saw I had a talent for leading. Because I revealed my strength, you didn’t have any choice but to acknowledge me.”
The more she spoke, the more Irina remembered the past. At that time, she knew she made a mistake while leading, and her decision-making skills weren’t enough to be a leader. She was acting rashly and rather moved with her emotions.
Since she had always been strong, she never had the need to think about strategies against enemies, but Salamander was the first time that her strength failed, and she understood the importance of cooperation as a team.
And this guy was the one to show that to her.
‘I can’t refute him.’
“After that, we did many assignments together, and at the end of the day, you saw my merits more and were moved by that.”
Astron said, looking deep into Irina’s eyes.
“Do you think we would still be here together if I didn’t do all these things? Or, if I didn’t have all those talents with me? Do you think you would be talking to me like this right now, or would I be another stranger to you?”
She couldn’t deny the validity of his words, nor could she find any rebuttal to his accusations.
Everything he said was true, and each admission only served to deepen the knot of guilt and shame that twisted within her.
“In any case, I don’t want to talk anymore. You can think whatever you want.” Astron mumbled as he raised his hand, channeling his mana. Now that he had killed Danielle, things had a chance to get ugly, and Astron would rather prefer that this accident was buried in history.
Thus, he was about to clean the scene.
Unable to meet his gaze, Irina shrank back before his presence, her fists unclenching as the weight of his words pressed down upon her. At that moment, she felt small and insignificant, dwarfed by the magnitude of her own shortcomings.
For the first time, she saw herself through Astron’s eyes, and the reflection she saw was not one she was proud of.
She had judged him based on his perceived weaknesses, dismissed him without a second thought, and only deigned to acknowledge him once he had proven his worth.
Though that was her past actions, and she had changed considerably compared to that same past, couldn’t he say the same thing?
‘He could.’
Maybe he approached her since she was an Emberheart, but now, wasn’t he the one who somehow understood her? Who somehow was on her side when she needed it?
‘He was.’
When her life was in danger, who came to her side?
‘He did. Not once but twice.’
What did he gain from all these things? Even if he approached her because she was the heir of Emberheart, wasn’t he different from all other people who did the same?
‘He is different.’ Didn’t people who approached them with those intentions weren’t able to tolerate her personality, and all left her for better people while he didn’t do the same?
‘He stayed while others left.’ When she was unsure of what she needed to do, who did she think of? Who did she think as an example? Who was the person in the question ‘What would he do if he were me?’?
‘It was him.’
When they bickered, didn’t she enjoy it?
‘I did, and I still do.’ When he was hurt, didn’t she somehow get agitated? When they did things together, didn’t she like his presence? Didn’t she find comfort when she was on his side?
‘I do. I like to be in his presence. I like to listen to him, and I enjoy it when he somehow speaks in a manner that makes me think he is a philosopher.’ Why did she need to think about the reason why he approached her? Had he once ever shown her that the reason he approached her was because she was an Emberheart?
‘He didn’t. Even if I didn’t hear the words he spoke at that time, I would have never known.’ Irina knew the answer to all those questions that she had asked herself.
But then, another important question suddenly appeared in her mind.
Would all these moments they had spent can be thrown off just by mere words? Could she really do it? Did she have the right to do so? Wouldn’t it be unfair?
“You must never judge people based on their words, but based on their actions. Actions always speak louder than mere words.” Even if she hated ‘that woman,’ Irina knew there was wisdom in her words. As she looked at him efficiently cleaning the penthouse with his 「Telekinesis」, her heart tightened.
At that moment, after asking all these questions to herself, Irina knew one thing.
‘I like him. I like this bastard…’ There was no coming back from that.
‘No matter what, I can’t let go of him at all.’
She knew why her heart tightened this much, even at the thought of letting him go. She knew why his words hurt so much to the extent that she couldn’t even breathe.
‘Inwardly, I feared that he would really go to Seraphina. Inwardly, I thought she was better than me, and I was scared that I would lose another one once again.’
As she looked at his back, she couldn’t help but realize she needed to act.
After all this time they had spent together, Irina was very well aware of what kind of person he was.
Even if there was a possibility that he was using her and he had ulterior motives, to Irina, he had already become an existence that couldn’t be given up.
‘That is right.’
And, if she knew her well, once he left, things would never return to being the same. Knowing him, he would put the distance between them.
He would get away like a scared cat.
Even if these things hadn’t happened, Irina somehow felt like so.
Therefore, Irina knew there was only one thing she needed to do.
TUCK!
Her hand moved in the dimly lit darkness of the penthouse.
With trembling hands, Irina reached out, her fingers brushing against the fabric of his clothes as she summoned the courage to speak. Her voice was barely a whisper, a mere echo in the vast emptiness of the room.
“I-I am sorry,” she mumbled, her words barely audible even to herself. “I was stupid and rash… I judged you based on… things I shouldn’t have.”
Her apology was late. Far later than how it should have been. But it was an apology.
At that moment, Irina felt small and vulnerable; her pride was stripped away by the raw honesty of her confession.
TIGHTEN! Her hands, grabbing his clothes, tightened.
For a brief moment, there was silence between them, broken only by the sound of Astron’s telekinetic abilities at work. Irina’s heart pounded in her chest as she waited for his response. Her breath caught in her throat, and she braced herself for whatever came next.
But then, something unexpected happened. Astron paused in his task, turning to face her with an unreadable expression in his eyes. There was a flicker of surprise in his gaze as if he hadn’t expected her to apologize.
“You….” He mumbled. “I never thought the Irina Emberheart would do that.”
Irina continued to look deep into his eyes, feeling a little lost in them.
“The Irina of the past wouldn’t do that. But, I did change.”
‘You changed me. It was all thanks to you, all because of you who showed me my own shortcomings, who understood me more than my own family, my own friends.’ Hearing this, Astron nodded.
“You really did.”
There was a serenity in his eyes. Somehow, his words sent a shiver down her spine as her face turned red. Yet, Irina, who was feeling like this for the first time in her life, didn’t know what to do.
“It is not like I did this because of you or anything.”
She could only act like how she always did.
———–A/N———–
I myself don’t forget the past, and neither Astron does. Here is the chapter where Irina gets called out for her own past actions.