“Have you ever experienced the loss of someone important to you?”
Kiera’s voice drifted carelessly through the air as she stared absentmindedly into the ceiling of the room.
Alongside the drift of her voice, smoke swirled through the air.
“…I have.”
A dry voice replied shortly after, a pair of hazel eyes fixed on the ceiling above. The two sat side by side, enveloped in the comforting, familiar scent of smoke.
Not too close, but not too far either.
“Then do you remember the last thing they said to you?”
“I do.”
“The last meal you shared?”
“Of course.”
“The last laugh you shared?”
“Yes.”
“The way they looked at you before you lost them.”
“….”
Julien paused and looked at Kiera. She seemed lost in her own thoughts, her mind drifting towards a certain memory.
He nodded once more.
“It’s all I can ever do.”
How could he forget when it was all he used to think about?
The last meal, the last joke, the last goodbye, the last… everything.
He remembered all of it.
‘It’s crazy what the mind can recall during the moments we lose someone.’
A soft, yet disguised smile marred Julien’s features.
“Right.”
Kiera inhaled deeply from her cigarette, her crimson eyes lazily following the trail of smoke as it twisted into the air.
“No one really knows when you’ll see someone for the last time. I certainly didn’t think I wouldn’t see my mother for the last time at my age.”
*Puff*
She blew into the air.
“And then one day, they’re just gone. No rewinds, no second chances… just gone.”
Her voice strained a little.
She wasn’t even sure why she was talking so much, but something about the afterburn of the cigarettes and the familiar smell that lingered in the air made her feel so… vulnerable.
When had she ever been like this?
“I didn’t think she’d stay with me forever. No, I knew since young that one day she’d leave me one day. I just…”
“Didn’t think they’d leave you so soon?”
Julien finished her sentence, leaving Kiera with her mouth slightly open. After a moment, she closed it and nodded.
“Yeah…”
Kiera’s head finally shifted away from the ceiling and onto Julien.
“…Looks like you’ve gone through something similar.”
“Maybe.”
But I was the one who left.
Not him.
Julien smiled ambiguously, his gaze drifting towards the cigarette in his hand.
He still hated the taste—the sharp afterburn that lingered at the back of his throat and the smell that seemed to fill the air, forcing his nostrils to scrunch up.
And yet…
He also felt liberated in some way.
How long had it been since he felt so clear-headed?
*Puff*
Taking a drag of his own cigarette, he began to speak,
“Sometimes, I wonder why I do the things that I do. Do I just want to achieve my goal, or is it because I just can’t move on?”
He shrugged.
“People will tell you to move on, to let go, but they never explain how.”
“Tell me about it.”
Kiera chuckled, taking a drag of her own cigarette.
“It’s all I ever hear, but nobody fucking explains me shit. How the fuck am I supposed to let go when I don’t want to forget? The moment I let go, I feel like she’ll die for real.”
“Hm?”
But isn’t she—
“They say someone dies when their heart stops beating, but I don’t believe that.”
Kiera exhaled slowly, sending a puff of smoke into the air.
*Puff*
“…That’s bullshit. Yeah, your heart stops, but you’re still remembered. You’re still someone to somebody. You still exist. But what if they forget you? Would you still be here?”
She tapped the cigarette, letting the ash fall to the ground, and then jabbed the air with it, as if emphasizing her point.
“That, to me, is when someone truly dies.”
“When there’s no one or anything left to remember you by.”
To her words, Julien had nothing to say.
He thought about it. He tried to argue with it, and yet…
Nothing.
He had nothing to rebuke her with.
Leaning his head back, he suddenly found himself smiling.
“I guess you’re right… In some sense, we were never meant to forget.”
“…..”
Kiera pursed her lips, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.
The only thing she could hear was Julien’s soft, yet dry, voice.
“Letting go means erasing the past.”
It felt therapeutic.
Relaxing, almost…
“Should we erase the past? Erase everything that made us reach this point?”
Julien shook his head.
“I guess not. What matters most isn’t learning to let go, but learning how to carry it with you—not as a weight, but as a reminder. A reminder of where you once were and where you are now.”
The longer Julien stared at Kiera, the more he sensed she was begging to shape into who he once was.
He recognized that look all too well.
The suffocating grip of the past, unable to let go, clinging to memories that shaped every decision—he’d been there. He understood exactly what it was like.
Was this why he was speaking like this?
He wasn’t really sure.
He just felt like he was seeing his own reflection.
Yes, a message.
This was a message to his previous self.
“So what are you saying?”
Kiera’s eyes suddenly drifted away from the ceiling.
“…Are you saying that I should remind myself of the pain? To endure it so that I can remind myself of the past? Is that your way of saying I should be stronger?”
“No.”
Julien shook his head, his eyes squinting as he thought,
“Strength doesn’t come from pretending that pain doesn’t exist. Pain does exist, and ignoring it just means ignoring all of your problems. The more something hurts, the bigger the problem.”
He found out the hard way.
He thought he was strong. Enduring pain. Taking on as much pain as possible while pushing his body to its limit.
He wasn’t.
He was weak.
Still was, but getting stronger by the day.
And that was enough.
“Strength… comes from when you realize that pain does exist and that you can’t ignore it.”
Julien lowered his gaze towards the cigarette nestled in his fingers.
It reminded him of the times in the past.
“It comes from when you find the courage to do something about it. After all…”
The grueling, painful moments. The endless hours of struggle. The cancer. Coming to terms with the inevitability of death.
And… letting go.
“Life doesn’t pause for us.”
If only it did… How much easier would life be?
But…
“It moves forward, relentlessly.”
It doesn’t wait for anyone.
“…Just as we should.”
So, in some sense,
“It’s about honoring what was while making room for what could be.”
After all,
“That’s how someone grows.”
“….”
Those were the last words exchanged between them before the room fell into complete silence.
Aside from the gentle exhale of smoke and their steady breathing, there was nothing else to fill the space.
Then, Kiera shattered the silence.
“You’re cringe, you know that?”
“….Haha.”
Julien couldn’t help but laugh at her words.
“Ukh.”
Kiera shrugged him off, flicking her cigarette away before standing up.
“Goosebumps. I’m actually getting goosebumps.”
Seeing her like that, Julien couldn’t bring himself to be angry. In a way, she probably had a point.
He mulled over his own words, wondering how Leon would have reacted if he had been there to hear them.
It didn’t take long for an image to shape up in his mind.
‘He’d probably be hunched over by the wall, hand over his mouth, doing his best not to puke.’
The thought alone seemed funny.
To the point where Julien found his fingers twitching.
‘…Should I just have a similar conversation with him?’
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How much could he get him to puke?
“Ugh, fucking shit.”
Standing by her desk, Kiera had her hand on her shoulder, muttering a string of curses under her breath.
The more Julien looked at her the more she just seemed to remind him of his past self.
Was this why he had spoken so much nonsense?
‘Maybe so…’
Kiera probably didn’t understand what he meant by what he said.
She probably wouldn’t for a while, and that was okay.
It took Julien an endless amount of pain and torture in order for him to get to this point. And even then, he was still far from perfect.
He was still growing, and he was fine with growth.
He had now learned to accept it.
Kiera was not yet there, but Julien could see she was trying even though she was failing miserably at it.
That was why she reminded him so much of his past self.
But even then, this wasn’t the reason he had come to talk to her.
“Ugh… I know I was also not that good, but you—”
“I need your help.”
“Uh?”
Kiera was cut off mid-curse as her head snapped toward him, noticing the shift in Julien’s demeanor—from a calm, collected presence to something colder.
His sudden shift in demeanor threw her off.
What sort of…
“I’ve got something in me.”
Julien lowered his head to grasp his shirt.
“It’s trying to take over this body of mine, and even though I’ve managed to seal it for now, I don’t know when the seal will break. It can be next month, it can be next week, it can be tomorrow, or it can even be… now.”
Kiera found herself unable to move as she listened to his words.
“I’m managing so far, but it’s taking a toll on me, you know…?”
Kiera licked her lips.
“Not knowing when this ticking time bomb can explode? If it truly takes over, what am I supposed to do? How can I stop it?”
“That…”
Kiera scratched her forehead.
“Can’t you just—”
“Tell the Academy?”
“….Yes.”
“Already have. The reason it’s sealed is because I got help from them.”
“Then…”
“It’s not enough.”
Kiera swallowed hard, a sudden wave of nervousness washing over her. Something about the way things were unfolding made her uneasy as if she could sense where this was heading, and it was making her skin crawl.
This, it couldn’t…
No, but it’s impossible. There’s no way.
And yet, when she raised her head to look at him, all she saw was the all-knowing look in his eyes.
“…Ah.”
“The Mirror, I need it.”
Kiera felt her entire body sink as if plunged into the depths of a dark sea, the pressure closing in around her, suffocating her with each breath. Without realizing it, she took a step back, instinctively trying to escape the moment.
“Y-you, how…”
All sorts of thoughts swirled in her mind.
‘How does he know? There’s no way he knows… It can’t be that he…!’
But before things could further escalate, Julien pressed his finger against his temple.
“I have a certain skill.”
He said, his voice just barely managing to get through her.
When she paused to look at him, he clenched his jaw for a moment, a low breath escaping his lips before speaking,
“It’s just glimpses, pictures, but for a brief moment… I can see the future.”